What I didn’t appreciate at first in my second chance at life was the opportunity to make amends for those I harmed along the way. The people that I wrote off out of this foolish sense of pride. The ones that always seemed to have my back when I needed the coverage the most were the first to castaway. Anybody who failed to see the genius behind my plans I decided was a direct opposition to me. Isn’t it odd that those who love us most are the first we cast away. My stomach turns at the friends I decided were obsolete when my humiliation got the best of me.
I am the worst self advocate. In fact I have proven more than once that I prefer the path of least resistance. The path where those who would actually oppose me are passed out from being too high or too drunk. I was a daddy’s little girl until even my dad could no longer love me casting me away like trash on the side of the road. I was trash. I was notorious for always engaging in the wrong things. Sometimes I feel that I was called back so that my Grandma can give me a tongue lashing. I can only imagine her horror as she watched the train wreck that was me. There came a chance to talk to me and she took it tenfold. Whatever was decided upon in the wee hours of the morning as my husband waited at my bedside I will probably never know till my final day. All I know that I have an opportunity to live differently. Making my family the center of my World.
In almost every waking moment I see my Grandmother in my mind. Guiding me to cook, encouraging me to clean. Do all the things that she took great pride letting her come alive inside me. Being able to remember her again has made me come alive with a greater purpose. If she can embrace her life with her selfless courage of everyday then so can I. Raising 4 boys and a daughter who was destined to be scholarly I can only imagine the weight on her shoulders. I am beyond guilty for taking advantage of everything in my life. The fast food that my husband would bring home only served as a reminder of how far away I have travelled outside of my family.
I try to live grounded in the present moment of each day. What an impossible task if you consider everything that gets thrown at us on the day to day. TV, social media, newspapers it all serves as a distraction from keeping us thinking about the inevitable, our true reason for being. The answer that we seek has to be something that is accessible to us all. There is no reason to any life having a greater sense or purpose then the one next to it or before. How strange when you think about how our minds are trapped in these bodies of matter. Our mind is invisible which can only mean that in time what has become bound within ourselves will be set free. Where will you go? What will you gravitate too? Are we running the risk of having an existence over run with our ghosts from our pasts because our tangible assets that we required we are now unable to let go? I get it. I am there. I no longer care for acquiring new things yet I still ask. My only sense of solace when it comes to adding something new into my life is I consider how it might affect the person on the receiving end. You never know if by purchasing something homemade will mean the difference between somebody else’s family eating well or not.
I am embarrassed by my participation in on-line events, specifically in the Pin-Up community. I can’t help but think that maybe my involvement may have meant that somebody else was left feeling down inside. My fulfillment as my person doesn’t gain from this experience. I think I enjoyed the back stage comradery and trying to be the mother hen. My happiness and peace comes when sharing in somebody else’s happiness so rarely does that include mine. I had my time to take the stage and shine in the light and now it is time to return to the shadows. It doesn’t mean I plan to disappear I just plan to live my life differently. I want to return to my original passion of loving freely and close to nature. Why enforce limitations apon myself that are unnatural and destined to leave one feeling broken beyond repair.
We know death is coming if we want to believe in that or not. It more than likely take us when we least expect quiet possible it will interrupt some sort of future plans. I know I am guilty of trying to put things off till tomorrow. There was a time though when it didn’t hurt so much to think that way. When you listen to the world around you it will either tell you what you want to hear or it will tell you the truth. There is no whisper like the promise of tomorrow or a lifetime that we will soon forget. Do you spend a lot a lot of time thinking about the things you wish you did or the sings you hoped you said? What is stopping you from doing those things now or reaching out to those who care? For me it is because I am still wrapped up in my ego. I like to pretend that nobody wants to hear from me so I can wallow in some sort of self pity. I am appreciative, I mean very appreciative of my family and all the love they bring to me. Is it realistic to think or expect that they are all I need in life? I think the greatest gift we have is the ability to love and to be loved so why limit ourselves to just family. Friends can touch our souls just like our life partners can. You get what you put into any relationship and I would love to explore all the possibilities of what if’s and what can be.