From the moment I opened my eyes I already could feel it was going to be an off day. One of those days that makes you close your eyes and go back to bed. I needed to reset and start anew so that is what I did. My son was still asleep and I was tired. My soul was growing tired. Something inside of me was screaming to let me know that I was going in the wrong direction yet again. That if I didn’t wake up to what was happening I would be dragged down to yet another hole of despair. I couldn’t allow myself to go down that far. My son needed to see me happy. he needed to see that through all the torment and pain that every day could be a new beginning now I had to find the silver lining in this one to get through.
I hate getting ready, putting on outfits if the energy isn’t just so. How can you move forward when an emotion has you held hostage not allowing you to pass. What I wanted to do more than anything was before I set forth with my day I wanted to purify the air, increase the positivity by embracing the simplistic beauty that playing an instrument brings. It worked for a bit until the neighbour two doors down started running his snowmobile up and down the street setting off the dogs. I didn’t have to worry about the noise waking up my son as my husband had come early from work. The only problem was I was already easily irritated by him. Every couple nights he parks his obnoxiously large truck and even larger trailer right in front of me and my other neighbours yard. Normally it is not a big deal but he ALWAYS does this and right in front of our blow up Christmas lights too. I tried to stay calm as I practiced my Christmas songs trying to not let him get underneath my skin. It was the shrieks of his son hanging onto him as they ripped down the street that really pushed me off the edge.
What I have come to realize through all of this is I need to practice my inner peace. No matter what the outside world throws at you you need to have a level head and rise to the top. This is normally not me. I was enraged that he could be so inconsiderate. I was angry that he had no common decency for anybody else around him. I couldn’t help it as I found myself leaving my front yard and confronting this man in front of his 12 year old child. What I know 110% is my neighbour loves Christmas and her giant snowman is her pride and joy and she shows him off with immense pride. What grates my nerves is that this man parked in front of the only two houses that blow Christmas decorations blocking them from street view. I already knew what he was going to say. It is natural to say hey listen lady you don’t own the road and to him I said yes this is true. However you are kinda acting like a Grinch blocking the only Christmas decorations on our street so nobody who passes by can see them. Our whole province is going under a mandate where all businesses are being shut down. As he told me his rights I said that he was 100% correct but common decency would kinda indicate that we love Christmas and put our decorations up for others to see.
It was in that moment that I realized what was happening. Because we get so caught up in our days he failed to realize or see any importance to just parking on the road. The little amount of joy that others would have gotten from our display didn’t even factor into his mind. I know this feeling. I have been this feeling where I only care about how something makes me feel the hell about that rest. Talking to this man I couldn’t help but cry and I said to him that people like him are the exact reason why the world is like this. We can’t even think about the feelings of anybody else including ourselves. My intentions weren’t even to fight and we actually really didn’t. He was shocked that I would even approach him with something like that. At the time it was the careless way he had his young son on the back of his snowmobile as he ripped up and down our street. Then after that it was all the lies that came out. I know firsthand the value in his words because with no place to go I am home 24/7 woken up to his loud truck every time he comes and goes.
The idea of going on even one more day as a selfish drone content on making me happy by another’s demise was something I could hardly fathom. It seemed every time I had something to say I would make some other person made. Everybody was minding each other’s heart breaks by mine didn’t seem to matter. My internal dialogue was getting so loud I was scared that other’s would here what I was thinking too. In some ways I am still scared of other’s not liking. My whole life I just wanted to fit in. The person I have been longing to forgive was myself for not protecting myself and listening to my instincts long ago. I wish I could have seen the error of my way and started anew half a life time ago. I am so scared of not being able to become who I was meant to be because I wasted so much time. That is why it has be come so important to share my storey in the hopes of saving some other soul years of aimless and wasted time. The silver lining is out there though if you can recognize it hue. It doesn’t always glitter at first and sometimes it appears so faint you would think that it was not even there to begin with. Happiness is out there in many wonderful shapes, sizes, colours and hues. It is taking the time out to notice them that makes all the difference in our world.