In the quiet stills of the morning before the rest of the world is awake I like to steal away some time and read amongst the stillness. In a house filled of chaos it is rare to find these moments but as I open and begin to turn the pages of “The Alchemist” it brings my journey into light.
My life was never easy as I am sure neither was yours. What I hope to uncover as the sun begins to rise is a sense of self purpose long ignored. It wasn’t the violence that shaped me or the fact that I was no longer a recipient of my Dad’s love. The idea that I could not offer companionship in my Dad’s Golden Years shows just how tainted all of our relationships have become. We have deemed sexual intercourse as being the act of salvation but what I have come to learn that in it’s absence love begins to move more free. The limitation of the physical is what keeps us from feeling whole. I too have been guilty of believing that I was born as a half destined to walk this Earth until I found that other half that makes me complete. The half that I am searching for is that half that is still buried away. Separate from my conscious mind I know where she sleeps tucked away from the rest of the World. My misconception was if I covered her up in blankets to keep her warm in amongst the dark shadows that I would be protecting her. How was I to know that in this single act that I would be smothering her and her destiny almost into oblivion where we can never reach back.
Think of those dreams that we told somebody we looked up to and respected and what did they spew back? In their attempt to make all those hard facts appear into a reality what they really did was set you right back. What I loved most about being a child was being able to live free and embrace each day. I would wander into the woods where my “friends” lived and make tales about who they maybe. What I brought to life in front of me was the magic and wonder that fills each and every living thing. Where my friends lived was a hilly clearing full of life and amazement, one look would take your breath away. Living amongst the tranquil silence broken only by the sounds of a wayward bluebird I finally felt at peace. There was no feeling of inadequacy over the lives that I couldn’t save. Just the feeling of life brought together in one perfect portrayal of life come together unleashed.
I have only read the first part but I am reminded of all the ways that I have let myself be distracted by all the things that I thought could save me. Save me from who I was destined to become and all the ways I misinterpreted the signs along the way. It was easy to believe that working 3 jobs was the secret to success. In those hours in between where the rest of the world was asleep I remained awake trying to make it seem like it all made sense. There is the talk of omens to reinforce the direction that you are heading. When I dissect apart the pieces that I thought were making me hole I can see all the ways they were set up to oppose me. The Universe maybe the true last fan we have on our sides. The only one left cheering us on in a sea of naysayers and hate. There is that push telling you to keep going on if even for one more day. That the secret of your life that you have been hoping to find is still just out there, floating silently just outside of your reach.
All this white noise that has been the one true constant since the time we took our first breath has all been set up to distract us. It taunts us in ways we never fully realized until once again we take that last breath that separates us from the living and the bittersweet finale of death. What once seemed so important will turn back to dust and all that is left in between us is where the promise of who you were meant to be once lived. I have been easily distracted in believing in a life that I thought made sense. When I take several step backs to look at what it is I finally feel in my heart the finality of what was. There was no feeling of sisterhood when I won my first crown. In fact looking back it serves as a reminder as how blinded I have become. I thought by participating in this way I can find somewhere to fit in. Almost like in the herd of sheep that the protagonist in “The Alchemist” keeps. By wanting to blend in though I lose everything that makes me me. I was never born to blend into a flock of sheep just to keep others appeased and in harmony. My voice, although annoying was demanding to be heard. I was born shy and with almost no voice it was almost foreshadowing of what my life was to become.
I tried to resist the path that was laid out in front of me from the very first day I decided it was time to go. M soul was always drawn to those creatures that others determined had no use. Yes they provided some sort of destitute companionship that was only thought about when they themselves had become to lonely. For me I wanted to communicate with these other life forms so they could feel how much their existence means to me. I memorize their movements and habits throughout the day. To think that their lives were anything different then the peace that they have now obtained.
As the rest of my family begins to stir the promise of a new day is right upon us. With the curtains being pulled aside to embrace the life that each new day brings I will leave the legend for another day. A day when time stands still.