Physically I am shutting down. Every time I open my eyes they sting from the light. They are dry from the tears that can’t stop welling from deep within. I won’t let them fall over. Some usually do. But the ache I feel at the loss of humanity is something I can no longer ignore. My whole core is resonating with this utter feeling of despair. The way we ignore those who are in desperate need like their ailments of the heart are trivial or superficial, a waste of time in most eyes. I am dulled by this experience. Horrified of what I feel. Even looking up is a chore. Dizzying at best.

I am thankful in all the small ways my friends try to comfort me. They cradle themselves in my arms and stretch out for my face. I am thankful for their presence. They become my courage and face that I portray to the outside world. They remind me to smile when my heart can no longer remind themselves. I fear for the great awakening that is going to amount in so much loss. I can’t determine the content of the things that will become lost. I hope that it is already what we have grown used to. Anything more and I will crumble from the weight.

You know the secrets that we are in search of come to us in the form of our elderly. They have lived to tell the tales that we now decide we no longer want to hear. They were the first to be isolated away from friend and family but the main difference they were actually sent away and imprisoned kept away from anybody deemed healthy and not at risk. The worst off were close off into iron. Something called the iron lung. Now we wrap them up in plastic so we can observe their heart ache and loss. I couldn’t imagine my final days on Earth to be left in isolation. “I am still living, please do not forget about me.” An animal would never act in these deplorable ways. They would either run them off into the woods to die in isolation or they would take the hard task in their own hands bringing their loved one to peace. So many young children died alone without family back in the day of the first vaccination. Now we say we are so far advanced but my heart will beg you to see all the ways in that being not true.

I remember learning of my first High School shooting. I couldn’t believe that we lived in a World where human decency didn’t factor into everything we did. This happened in a time before main stream social media and I could only imagine the horrors that we would have been witnessed to. It wasn’t enough that the violence was at the hands of two clearly homicidal teenagers but we would never know what really motivated them to do this classless act. This was my first eye opening experience to what inhuman minds were capable of doing. I had no idea that the bloodline of all that was civilized came at the expense of another human’s suffering. I was blinded by the facts that I couldn’t comprehend. I think this is why I failed Social Studies. I loved the idea of life existing at a time when I didn’t but what I hated was the people who lived it and how they could justify any act.

I was a product of the 80’s baptized in 90’s grunge rock. The only thing that numbed the pain were artists who were speaking in the exact words that I felt. ““If my eyes could show my soul, everyone would cry when they saw me smile.” – Kurt Cobain. I smile though because it is supposed to be the universal language to all beings. It is supposed to show you are kind with your intentions and a safe place to rest your head and god willing your heart. In 1993 “In Utero” came out. Every lyric on that record resonated deep inside me. My soul recognized his pain, my pain recognized his soul. Where my Dad refused to comfort me after my rape that occurred that summer, Nirvana took me in and talked in the only language that I was ever going to know. I wanted revenge. I wanted everybody who ever made me feel like I was never going to be good enough to feel the burn that I felt. I wanted everybody to know what it felt like to have what was living ripped out from inside you like both lives were worth nothing. All my doctor would tell me was to not ask the sex of the baby because after he was done it would look like hamburger. Everything you have ever thought you knew about what they did to our beautiful unborn is true. After a long day of being outcast at school for what I did that summer I was thankful for my anthem that came when Kurt Cobain sang, “Rape Me”

“My favorite inside source
I’ll kiss your open sores
Appreciate your concern
You’re gonna stink and burn”

I was on the brink. I wasn’t sure if I wanted a life well lived or a life just lived. I already felt like a complete failure in life that just encompassed everything I ever did. My greatest accomplishment in life was having my son. But it is hard to in thinking all the mothers that have ever had sons just like me. I also can never put into words what it felt like to have my hero take his own life. He said all the words that I could never find when dealing with all my pain. He made it easier to live an existence that was so haunted by so many pasts. He is where I went to when the rest of the world got too cold. The way we as humans like to play games with lives is beyond my own comprehension. We pretend like our entitled existence is hard but we have no idea what growing up hard truly is.

I don’t remember hearing of the amount of suicides that are common in today’s current times. I have been guilty of thinking about the enticing properties that come with life after death however the final ending was never in sight. Living hurts in all these ways that as a child I never deemed possible. I would never imagine that in our quest t uncover the true meaning of life we would pervert it in so many ways that to the true living it will never make sense. Another fashion mogul goes down for sex trafficking and nobody bats an eye. Unless of course it is your child that was hurt then your tune would certainly change. We don’t want to get involved anymore. Like, I rarely like to comment or like photos on social media because of the notifications that are sure to come. With positive , physical touch something wayward long ago it is rare for me to find comfort in a world that has grown so cold.