My eyes are burning. I guess that is the expectation as I embrace my role as mom. There are times when my heart breaks because I can’t make his tears stop. It is the same heart that hardens as he catches my cheek with his open hand and his heel in my stomach. I want to hug him and hold him and tell him whatever it is he is feeling will soon go away. He doesn’t understand me. I want to scream but I prefer to cry. My mind races to the future. He will be at the peak of his life and I will be withered up and old.
They say don’t stay in the past it will make you depressed. The same is said about the future. The only place safe to visit is our current state. The vantage point we find ourselves with will differ from person to person. Isn’t all just a state of mind? Healthy minds allow us to go down that empty hallway even though the enemy lies in wait. It is the promise of what waits for us just beyond the lucid state of mind. I have always been curious of the mental mind of those I find myself in direct contact with. Is their mind strong and conditioned exposed to the errors of human will or is their mind turned to poison infected by others intentions?
Where are the heros that made this life worth living? Who filled our hearts with hope as they paid the ultimate price? Are we ever going to be happy with the accomplishments presented to us or will we always find a way to make it seem so trivial? We wanted a man who could walk on the moon and when ww found him he decided he was a phony, the ultimate fake. There is no mention of the sacrifices he made along the way. The day and nights he gave up to science while his family faded away. Life doesn’t stop when another begins to realize his dreams. In fact in the future we will retell his life omitting details that were too trivial and obselete. The human mass wants to take from us anything that makes us feel whole. It is impossible to conceive a thought, our own thought without somebody’s opinion influencing us.
We want to be influenced. We want to relinquish control. It is far easier to blame anybody else then take a hard look in the mirror. We compete with each other on these levels that nobody understands. Have we achieved the pinnacle of what it means to be human or have we gotten what it means to be alive all wrong. Tragedy will take away somebody close to us but the biggest tragedy is how we feel. We make their departure all about us but my heart goes to be with them. The ones who are severed from us I want to comfort in their last moments. Did they find the peace that were promised to them? Did they finally find their way home? I am a mother and in those wee hours when my son finally finds comfort and falls back to sleep my heart mourns for all the broken mothers I can’t console.
I can close my eyes and will to life anybody I so chose. My childhood friend who was always the last one chosen because he was always wild and carefree. What I know for sure in his last few days is how he always made time for me. I know he knows my whole story now and I know he forgives me for in all the ways I strayed. I wasn’t trying to be a bad friend to him truth be told I was cruelest to myself. When I think of my last bus ride from the time you were living then in an instant gone it serves as a confirmation of how far I had fallen. I still can’t believe you are gone.
It has been a lifetime since I thought I had known peace. There is what we know for certain and then there is all the superficial fluff taking up space. We can vow to live our lives differently or grounded all the same. As my son cries all I want is to hold him in my arms. I want to comfort all of us as babies so I can be reminded and filled with hope. We were all meant to be somebody’s baby. Somebody to be loved and cuddled and warm. That’s what all life wants. Somebody to recognize them and be on their side. Somebody to feel their presence even after their body turns to dust. I remember those who passed through me tugging at my heart strings and beyond.
Is it just me or does life feel even more bittersweet? We live in a World where it makes more sense to drown your sorrows by any means. Even if what you drown is another persons life. Didn’t we just witness a beautiful life taken too soon? Not just one, not two but three because the person they loved decided something more torrid, something more final then they could have ever dreamed. So now in amongst all the added stress I have to add in that I am trying to raise a smart young boy. Somebody who won’t turn on humanity and perverse it to his own free will. Every tyrannt we have ever known was craddled in loving arms. Then they turned that love upon us making it evil and ill forgiving.