My heart has been racing for the last 24 hours. A complete state of panic attack. My lungs can’t fill with enough air and I am sure I am about to suffocate. Staying in this state too long and my head begins to swim then I catch myself off balance wondering exactly where I am. This feeling that has enveloped at times feels like somebody is stepping on my chest. I am nervous and excitable and when I finally think I might get some air it all starts over again. Sometimes with the lack of oxygen everything rushes right to my head. If I could only stop my tears I may catch my breath but the success of such an outcome is very unlikely.
You know when things that really bother you it almost seems like you have nobody to talk to about them because you can’t continue laying on the same kind of burden to the same people anymore. They say it is easy to just move on and forget. If somebody isn’t paying attention to you just forget about it and move on. That feeling is easy to capture live in photographs but what about the aching in my heart. My mind is racing back and forth between reality and what used to be. I have made it so my life was so incredibly busy even the asks I had set out for myself seemed rather trivial. This panic state is making it hard for me to justify anything more. What is living? Who is fake?
To say I am lost is an understatement when half of you is being kept underground. So if that living half of me is such a disgrace does anything I do make sense? If I have nowhere to go into eternity do I float free, free of thought? All I know is that in age comes new aches and pains that run deeper than just being depressed. If my mood begins to descend to far into a deep abyss. So does the rest of me. Body parts I have long forgotten about now ache and pain when I cough. This is aging? Is this bliss? Who comes with us when we age and recognizes our grace? Is there anyone anymore who remembers us from who we used to be or are we just fragments of all that we were before? I could close my eyes and drift away but I am not sure how far I would go? Do I deep my toes into the sea of despair or do I get carried away like lng lost kisses in the air?
My next tiring thought is how is it that we ended up this way? We could have a blissful existence of tending to our gardens and caring for livestock and other family pets. What we wanted most of all was to work our fingers just enough so we can squalor it all away. We see it everyday in the 2, 3 , 4, 5 marriages that get divided along the 1/2, 1/4, 1/8,1/16. Then what or who looks after you in your golden years. Are you able to keep all your memories or do most of them fade away? As we get ready to return to where it all began our memories leave us. The ones that stay are the ones that made the deepest impressions on our heart. Imagine if you were granted just one last memory. Which one would you chose? This thought is what scares me deeply. The complete uncertainty the very obvious unknown.
There is also the very real possibility that we can return to how we once were. Who is it that we are trying to impress or fool with our very existence. We know our truths. We know what keeps us up at night so why do we need confirmation that what we are feeling is real. Why do we need validation from the very sources who truly compromised our rights to live prosperous and free. Do you feel free right now? Paying taxes for services and the upkeep of our towns? Look at how much these politicians are making while people under their care are living in poverty and in the streets. Do all of our leaders have to be grimy scoundrels or is it possible to have a leader that will give back. Give back to the people who truly built these countries with their blood, sweat and sacrifice and didn’t just get born into life with a silver spoon.
We love evil. We worship it. When it comes to people doing bad things we can’t get enough. It is like we are living vicariously through them and their acts. Is it possible to bend our minds enough just so so it is like we ourselves were the evil entity that was born? Is that what we are looking for? The tempting of fates to see if evil truly exists and if it does is it something that we dare to control? Can we control it? If we come across a being so evil, so disrespectful in their contempt can we make it so they see us differently and not something that they can just torment and hurt?
I still can’t catch my breath and it is starting to almost terrify me. I am panicked from the turmoil that has seemed to grip the world and I feel that there is no way back. When you see that half the world is divided with something that just screams human decency, compassion and respect. What I have seen in almost a year of isolation is that most people will always work in THEIR best interest. Just like in life when they will sell friends down the river without a paddle they do so s that they end up on top. The herd travels in and amongst each other trying to take others along with them. It gets hard to gather the strength to face another day when what you are faced looking at is humanity once again beginning to crumble. We can see the error in our ways they are laid out right in front of us. Most of us are too enchanted with what has been promised compared to what has been sent.