These days there is not too much in the ways of intellectual conversation. My son is 3 and everybody else only communicates with me by showing me their love. There should be surprises that I have found a way to acquire my farm without even having to leave the city limits. In fact my husband is setting up a grow tent. It sounds like you would imagine. I can’t deny what has been laid out in front of my eyes this whole time I have been alive. Farming has always been my roots with nature coursing through my blood. It is no wonder the closer I get to my true calling the more blissful my life has become.

Gone are the days of setting up Ranches and Homestead and other ways to live off the Earth while providing for your family. At least it seems there is value to having it set up since the dawn of time. When what you give is returned to the Earth being passed on through the next generations hands to me there is no greater reward or determination of success. I guess it should have been obvious to me when our Dad sold our family land because of an inevitable divorce. When I think of my family spending their lives I can’t think of a greater betrayl of trust. To imagine selling of land that has been there for generations all I see is his selfish gains. One person doesn’t make a home. It is all the memories that were birthed there and the feeling of always having a home. Do we not set up roots anymore for our ancestors to find us? Or is our existence just common nothing more.

You don’t become anybody without your family there to comfort you. Just ask any orphan who is left alone. You keep looking at the windows and beyond the iron gate hoping somebody recognizes you so you don’t receive a similiar fate. The biggest fear of any orphan is being set out into the World unloved. Where do you go at the end of the day after feeling exhausted and defeated? Can you call on a mom or dad  or living sibling to help you put down that gun? Who centers you when you have nothing? Your existence needs to mean more to you. Easier said then done.

As a mother you can’t help but think of your child if you only have one. Who will have their backs in high school or help pick them out at all? So many stories talk about both parents perishing and the child left up to god. There’s a part of me that desires another sibling so if the worst were to happen they would always have each other. It becomes so incredibly hard to convince others after almost losing your life the first time. What felt like a normal pregnancy was my placenta turning to poison and almost killing me. What I think about alot these days is the Universe has always taken care of me so maybe it is time to breathe in and let go.

I wonder if at 41 the Drs will take me seriously. I can’t help but feel romantisized at the thought of my Grandmother having her twins at my age. She survived. She lived for many, many years and even got to meet us. Maybe it is all in just the way things are meant to be and not so much how we want it to turn out. There are those that will spend their whole lives and invest thousands of dollars just to have what other’s take for granted or kick rocks with their. I am convinced that for whatever happens after this we start out in balance. It is only after years of toxic saturation that we can no longer find our way back. Every life is different and so is our purpose so it is highly illogical for us to want to keep up to anyone for any means.

If life is what we make of it why do we care so much about the outside influences? Why is it we obsess about impressing the wrong people and take advantage of the people who love us for what we do? Trying to undermind those who hurt you is also a complete waste of time. For the most part your efforts will be wasted because those who refuse to see the best in you will refuse to see you as anything else. Why waste the time? Why exude so much energy that will be better used knowing your own heart. Your own peace. Just something that makes it all worth it, you know.

How many times have you cried over the way someone else treated you? Do they even notice or carry on with their day like it is their God given right? I recently was victimized like this. I use victim to describe how I felt because if I allowed these so called friends get away for being mean then they always will be. Who needs to live in a World like that? When given the chance to take people will. That is how we have been trained to be. Too superificial with little to none substance. Our diets are filled with chemicals, our bodies silicone and in a world at our fingertips we are farther from reality than we have ever been before.