Build You First

For as long as I can remember I had zero self worth. Zilch, nadda, nothing. Maybe it was because of how I let others define. In fact I know it was. I was always the girl who was assumed to be slutty even though I was frigid as hell. I never wanted to engage intimately in that way. When I did it was mainly to keep the boy I was seeing happy. What I wish I realized sooner is that I should have been making myself happy first. When you have little to no confidence in yourself other’s can take advantage of you in a heartbeat. You allow it to occur because you feel that at least negative attention is better than nothing. That too is also SOOOO beyond the true way you should be feeling. You should enjoy your company. Your very soul demands it. You can’t miss out in filling your own love tank first.

Why does it matter? It matters because you have to be your own best friend. In moments of darkness you have to be able to make yourself smile. If you can’t be a good friend to yourself how can you even begin to understand what it means to be a good friend to others. One of the ways I found that helps is to try in live in the moment but in the third person. Try to escape into the other person or beings mind and really ask yourself what you think it is they are thinking. Before you ask anything or respond to what they may have ask you really process what it is that is being said and then answer in the way you think would make your comrade happiest. Maybe you don’t have to go as far as just being accomadting but before you proceed with the conversation you should have a fairly decent understand with whow your words might be interpreted.

Your demeanour is everything. Just because you were once sour before doesn’t mean you have to carry it with you now. You can’t dwell in the past or relive moments thinking what if. You can only analyze the situation so much before your brain and thinking turns to mush. The goal is to see how your behaviour may have upset or affect people and try to learn from it and see how far you can emotionally grow. I still have the outbursts that make me cringe in shame. Did I really say that? How could I behave like that. My goal is to limit how many times going forward I say those words in my head. For now I have become the strong silent type it is just safest with boundaries until I perfected or at the very least grown my emotional responses.

I have no plans of being accommodating to friends in low places who never supported me anyways. I don’t want to be a drowning in a whiskey kind of girl anyways. There has to be a way for us to make up for all the wrongs we have committed along the way. If only I knew how I feel when I was younger. But if I did I wouldn’t be able to shape and mold my son’s mind so that he can be empowered to be all that he can be. He needs to know all the in’s and out’s and pro’s and con’s even the hard stuff we shudder at talking to our children about. Why do you think I am reading all these crazy books about this wide array of subjects. I know what I know but now it is time to find out what other people know. Knowing all that how can my son not be geared towards sex. I am not going to force him to be anyway. I am just going to give him the tools so he can make his own decisions. Life is all about the experience so who are we to alter it.

Of course we don’t want our loved ones to experience harm but they do have to undergo a certain amount of pressure and a considerable amount of pain in order to grow into an outstanding being. How can you sympathise with anybody if you have never experience any loss or hurt. That will be the toughest moment I will have to face as a mother. I try not to think of all the disastrous what if’s but try to live in the present moment. Then we get wrapped up because we had the thoughts in the first place and now we are convinced that we are going to will them into life so then we begin to live with a little bit of fear. Fear can be grounding when used responsibly but too often we use it to lash out at other people. I was scared that I was going to end up alone that I would have these emotional outbursts that would end up pushing the person I was scared of leaving me away. That is just proof somewhat that our minds are capable of willing to us the evitable. I know what you are thinking how is it possible that I am still married after all this time. I have never had the fear of him leaving me or our family. I guess he did save my life so why would he have done so just too push me away. I think my mental mind is still working through the usual steps I take in relationships. This time there is more at stake than any before. There is value in the family dynamic I just know it to be true. It is far easier to manage the emotional, mental and physical well being when both parents are actively involved somewhat. Yes you may have heard me complain. But what spouse on Earth doesn’t. You are living with somebody full time they are sure to get on your nerves. My husband has just perfected that into an art form.

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