You know what I can’t handle. I can’t handle the thought that no matter what we do or how hard we try the inevitable is going to happen. We are all going to take our last breath and fade to black like none of this ever existed. In a hundred years it isn’t going to matter what I did in this life because this life is gone. There is a good chance in 100 years my whole family line will be gone. Out of 4.64 billion years we can only trace humans back a few million. That means that the Earth should outlive us yet in the last few hundred years we have done nothing but rape her dry. I can’t help but feel sad out of all the ways we have changed and destroyed our home. We drove animals to extinction laughing every step of the way. He did horrific things to people who looked different then us. Yes we can prove life and everything that surrounds it with science but you have to let your mind question the bounds. Push through the limits of your imagination. If you can conceive it there is a chance we can achieve it. That is what makes me most terrified of mankind.
I don’t want to die even though there are times when I say I do. At the time when I am in pain it seems like I couldn’t possibly endure another second. The reality though, my truth. I lust after that feeling because I know there will be a time when I can no longer feel. I want to absorb everything i can like a sponge because I don’t know what it all means. I want to be scared of dreaming too big or shooting for the stars. My reality though is this has been my dream ever since I was a little girl. Yes I dreamed I would have a daughter and in my heart I still do. But in the arms of my son all my dreams have come true. I might have wasted my prime years fooling around. There are times when I couldn’t see the light anywhere around me. I was so convinced I didn’t deserve to sparkle that I dug myself into a deep dark whole. Even though I didn’t want anybody to notice me then, my demons run a muck tenfold doing and saying things that just send cringes through my soul. I used to torture myself and stay inside the shadows. My son though is the reason why I simply can’t not stay there. If I have any hope of getting him to be all that he can be I have to empower him with all that I know. The horrors that I experienced. I think that will be one of the hardest conversations As long as he doesn’t know who his momma really was he will always have that light in his eyes. I have to address that feeling head on though. His life maybe at stake.
Just like every parent says things were different when I grew up. Things were different. People were different. When you were home you were home. There were no cell phones and there was barely the internet. You have NO idea what if feels like being a teenage girl sharing a phone with the whole family. Worse of all is all you had to do was pick up another phone in the house and you can hear the whole conversation. Just cover the receiver. There was little privacy. Even the home computer had a history. There were no apps that doctored anything. What you were doing was on public display. None of this private conversation under the blankets. Our phone was in the kitchen and there was a phone by my Dad’s bed. Yes sometimes you got lucky and you would catch the ring on the first go. But that is only if the person you were expecting called when they said they would. People are different now too. There are so many fakes. We establish these friendships online without truly knowing who is on the other side. This is truly annoying. Especially for those who are just looking for like minded connections. The kind of connection that can hopefully save the World.
My biggest fear is watching our government get ground into the ground. I have always tried to hold respect for our politicians and those who enforce. I absolutely have NO respect for these human beings because they are holding this position for ALL the wrong reasons. The point of the government is to keep everybody in line while keeping people happy. All I see is these lazy entitled politicians thinking the rules and laws don’t apply to them. All of you cancel Christmas so we can take to the skies for dirt cheap with our 6 figure salaries! You know if my citizens were screaming because life was getting to be too much I would implement drastic measures. These workers should make the average salary of the people they serve. That is it that is all. If they don’t like it get somebody else who will. Let’s stop rolling on each other to get to the top. We are just like the Egyptians. Build these pyramid’s so we can be saved. We are going to work our whole lives cushioning their lives for them to spit on us the whole time wiping their *sses with the money we save. We will never get ahead with this mentality. What happened to the day when politicians went to the soup kitchens to feed their people. You only have the job because of us in the first place.
I am constantly wondering if there was some sense to how voting used to work out. You had to be educated in order to vote. Only 20% of the population was eligible. Is this why we are having these problems with people we entrusted with our livelihoods. They always say what we want to hear and what we hear is sugar coated lies. Life is truly complicated and I think we have been brainwashed to see the truth. Why did we want this life? Did we have a say on where we ended up or are we all just puppets on a string?