I became fixated on my grey hair today. Not because I am scared of getting old or think I am less beautiful for them. Just as I was rushing past the mirror with my son wrapped inside his towel I was reminded just how fast life seems to be. My eyes welled up with tears as I thought about this moment and how quick it will come to past. I think of all those moments any of us would have clung to a little bit differently and my sadness turns to anger just as fast. I feel sick to my stomach as the words curdled in my stomach. My son, the part of me that is me, I could never banish out of my life for good. Then I think of what it felt like to not have a Dad in this special time in my life. My son will never know his maternal Grandfather. Thinking back now that man was just a stranger to me as well.
To live with no father, no male role model to guide you, you falter in ways that will always prevent you from establishing a real connection with anyone. I don’t understand the throwing away of your children. There is no hell on Earth that will seperate me from mine. My husband feels the same. That has become our strongest connection. He is one of the only people I will ever trust with my son. I will always defend the two even with my last breath. To see the value my father put on all our heads would normally make me hold mine down with shame. But as an educated woman I can see the she devil at work because no moral woman would ever encourage their spouse to abandon their children. The reverse is true when children cast their parents into homes. No harm, no foul. You can only reap what you sow so your only hope now is what you invested will one day be enough.
All I have are memories of a time that may not have happened and if it did it was so long ago. My dad used to love trees, nature and his family. We used to go huckleberry picking, hiking, camping, you name it. He used to love us kids. Every summer before school got back in we went shopping in Spokane. That was of course when the dollar was strong or we would go to Kelowna. Then there was the years my sister was in Alberta we would hit up the malls in Calgary. I never thought I would live in a time where “Back to School” shopping became obsolete. In fact as kids I had many of my dates just hanging out at the mall. What do kids do today and what habits seem important? Where do kids get to go to be kids these days or does that piece of their life no longer exist.
Sometimes I wonderif I waited to late to start my beautiful. Would that have made any bit of difference? My Dad was content on hating me because it made his life easier it seems. Can you believe his new wife has kids and they have families too? I have never met a single one like I am a leper with a disease. Maybe I believed them but my vision was set clearly. I was finally seeing straight. My seizures that occurred that night directly affected my vision. I remembered a bright light, my husband and his hands and this sound of complete silence that filled my heart tenfold. Wherever I went, whoever I saw filled my heart with so much faith. I was a horse being led to water except for this time I would finally drink. This path unfolded in front of me. My inner conscious would see me through. I had a desire to live my life differently I would finally feel fresh ans new. For as long as I could remember there was always something holding me back. It was the way my father would always look at me. With so much shame, complete disgust.
What we have to work on building up is the way we see ourselves. At any given moment love can be lost on us those we thought forever now are making us eat their dust. We want to be able to trust those that gave us life but not all parents are saviours some also take your lives away. How can you trust the potential for a mind to just one day snap. It can happen to any one. At any given moment and there is no telling the things one might do that you could never take back. When a mind distorts in such grave ways are the consequences ever enough? Is there a way to prevent the peverse from happening or is just that human nature? Look what some will do just for a little bit of payout. When it comes to wealth that one may inherit no good will ever come from it. Ya it may seem that all can be saved with a little bit of greenbacks however. If it comes at the demise of another’s suffering or a betrayl of the heart no good can ever come out of it. There has to be some relief for those that have suffered? The Universe isn’t that cruel is it?