I feel extremely violated today. More than feeling intruded apon I am feeling depressed and out of sorts. At any given time any random person can take advantage of you and completly alter your world.
Opening my eyes this morning I felt the dam of water break and rush down my cheeks. I tend to cry alot when I sleep. My dreams take me to where I dare not be but have me wishing I could go. The despair I feel weighing down my heart is going to drag behind me for the very least the rest of the day. I think about those who can’t think about me and I can barely keep my head out of water. I feel this flood begin to wear against me and all I can do is pray. I pray that I can see the light and the ill will of others won’t pentrate me. I see who they are and I am aware of where they have been their indesiveness will never phase me.
I am exhausted from buying into the way that others think and feel. We will always be the same creatures self righteous in our entitlement and content on hurting others along the way. Our humanly boundaries changes from person to person and what doesn’t bother one will enrage them all. Are we ever satisified or is revenge a part of our reality handed down from each other since the hands of time. Have you ever felt guilt for a decision you made knowing it completly broke the other person? Are we capable of that emotion or are we still numb from all the horror? The sacrifices that were made for no reason. We are all guilty of being horrible creatures because if we weren’t living wouldn’t be like this. We woundn’t puff out our chests and wag our fingers trying to show the world just who we are. Some reactions though will end in something final. Something that noone can ever recover from.
It’s intense the limits others want to impose on us. Mostly to enforce their ideals and to humour their archaic way of thinking. Isn’t that what you call it? The old mind seeking to control and ruin the world. Look at all the ways we go out of our way to try and wreck another’s day. You can’t say we don’t. You probably saw it today or you will very soon. There are so many enraged drivers. They flip you the bird. They cut you off and no matter what you think, where they are going is way more important than where you are going. So many people live there lives like this. Self righteously entitled at the expense of another’s blood and tears. We can never admit or guilt in any way too afraid of the eternal consequences that are sure to come. Isn’t that what refrains us from fully being compassionate towards each other. Or is that what keeps us somewhat in line? That thought scares me. The amount of people who say they believe in God and do horrorible things in his honour. It takes all kinds doesn’t it? Those are the ones I am most afraid of.
I can’t get away from the thought of where my loved ones go when they passover. Can they see the things I am doing and embarassed of who I have become? Or do they still love me uncondotionally and smile from time to time when they here my name? Does it even matter what they think of me anymore. In my mind their opinion is still important to me. I can’t give up on the idea that one day they will come back to me. So I live my life differently. And I wish others would too. I wish we could be kind to each other at the end of the day because our heartaches are probably smiliar if not relatable but we never want to be seen in that way. Untill one day when you just can’t take it anymore you will allow the rest of the world to see you fall.
There is no shame in trying to live your life with the greatest potential that is what makes us shield some truth from tarnishing our name. We want to be remembered for being strong and courageous and for always wearing a brave face. We don’t always have to be brave. We can let our guards down and not be forced to feel all that shame. Imagine if we could heal our hearts together before we lived our last day. The ease and sweet sorrow of acceptance lulling us fast to sleep. We don’t always have to harbour so much pain, in fact it is more natural to want to let some go. To live crippled by your own misdeeds, bad will and miscontent you can vow to live your life differently. Like an Angel Heaven sent.