The Fire of Motherhood

I couldn’t help but notice today the harsh reality that some women face and how painful that would be. The struggle of trying to conceive as an adult when you probably spent the first half of your sexual identity taking unecessary hormones trying to prevent yourself from becoming just another teen statistic. The realization that their body isn’t like everybody else and the guilt that would fester because of it. Not being able to conceive would be your bodies ultimate betrayl at least to some, and we should show more compassion and sympathsize. Why is it so easy while other’s will sacrifice their whole life. Trying everything possible under the sun, stopping only when their partner breaks.

There is so much judgement everywhere it is almost impossible to find content in your own life. Everybody lives their lives differently and on their own timeline. I never could have dreamed I would have a son at 38. That wasn’t part of the plan nor was him coming 2 months early. My in-laws were happy that we all made it to the other side and lived that they always told us to be happy with the one child we had. Anything can happen at any given time.  Much the same way as my birthing story was different as well. Always the one for excessive dramatics (at least I am told) it did make sense how it all played out. The nature of it all intended to bring us back together but in the end some relationships were never meant to be.

Even though it all played out the way it did I still consider myself one of the lucky ones. My baby never made it to full term but my baby is still with me. I couldn’t imagine the monthly pain of testing to no avail. It is more than the twice daily ovulation tests followed up with the final test. Why is it some women seem or not destinef to be mothers? Worse yet having to read the headlines of child abuse and neglect constantly in the headlines. Spouses fighting over their children like they aren’t the most precious beings on the planet. You have to question a world that does this to good people. Teenagers engaging in reckless sex and drugs and alcohol will always breed offspring it seems. Give a woman a good job, a great house, financial security and the heart and soul of a mother destined to change the world forever and they will remain baron for eternity forever severing their lifeline from reality. Why would this happen to a seemingly good person? What if it has nothing to do with them but somebody else who altered their future a long time ago.

It’s not meant to upset anybody but a general observation. What if our ancestors participated in an evil we are not even aware of and their punishment is now affecting these women. Their heartbreak is clear. Their life no longer making sense as the one thing they dreamed about is so far out of their reach. I couldn’t imagine how raw their heart would feel especially in the era of social media. You have those who talk about children as a burden, a hinderence on their future. Ooops we did it again paired with an ultrasound picture and a loving embrace. It’s not meant to harm but the reality is it does for those who long to be parents but that will never bs their destiny.

So on top of feeling like you betrayed your own self you now have to look into a future that instead of being filled with joy and love is filled with a longing and despair. We need to heal those that are hurting by recognisizing their pain and hopefully all move to a brighter future. The majority of cases we don’t even understand. At times it seems that this plague only affects entitled white women but it truly has the potential to affect us all. It can derange the mind so much that some will kill and steal just to have a chance to embrace their “own” baby. We are nowhere near beginning to understand each other and our lack of compassion towards each other says so.

Everybody has an opinion on who makes a good mom. They even like to pretend that the older you get the less energy you have to be one. When I look at my son that was gifted to me at 38 I would do anything to make his life great. His smile, his laugh, almost everything he does ignites my soul with so much passion. I want to be the best mom I can be and that is more than what my age dictates to you. I lived my life before this. I made all my mistakes, now I can learn from them and carve our way to a better future. So yes at 38 already having one I long to have just one more. There are many reasons for wanting another one despite all the risks. The most important being giving my son an opportunity for his first friend. The tragedy of not being able to conceive is a heavy weight for those forced to carry that burden. Even the possibility of being brought back to death will never extinguish the fire of motherhood deep inside me.

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