I always knew I was going to be one of those who lived my life differently. Gravitating towards those that wanted to live a life full of truth it became easy to see who the followers were. Those with no mind to speak what their heart was feeling they become absorbed in others discontent. At times I wonder if maybe it was just me but now clear as day now I see. There are those who gravitate like a moth to flame distorting their true intentions to many. I am ready to sever the chord because all they do is hold me back. Lies stick to you like flies and honey and it is hard to seem them in any sort of way. Struggling to fit in. Isolating those who truly care. My life has been a roller coaster and I long for some stability.

To seperate your mind from your ego is an impossible task to do. You over inflate your worth and side with the devil. If magazine covers and spreads is all that remains of you as you take your last breath. Your life will always remain trivial, you were only self centered at best. I don’t waiver and flop like some of them do. Have you ever tried to hold somebody accountable only to crumble with fear. It is like we all serve a purpose in another’s life and when their honesty has worn out they  throw you away. I am hated for my honesty. I don’t want to hurt anymore. It is way better to hold it all in then to let it be distorted in ways I never intended.

Imagine a world where the truth sets you free instead of holding you captive. I don’t want thousands of friends who sell you out for a cover. Fame isn’t meant for most of us so why do we ruin those along the way to never get there. I am an advocate for body positivity and the women’s movement but what I am seeing is steps towards setting us back. There is art and then there is wanton sex and nudity. One is meant to inspire and the other to get a rise from the pants. You can tell the difference in the poor planning of props and scantily laced amazon teddies that are best left in the bedroom instead of trying to find fame in the eyes of your friends. I am embarassed of the way women objectify themselves these days for just a few likes. Legs wide, coochies out. Isn’t there an Only Fans platform to satisfy those needs? When it starts pouring out into mainstream media it is hard to relate to anybody anymore.

What happened to the days when a woman honoured herself and the relations she keeps. I know I have been guilty of this in the past. The more I dive into the lives of the past it is not lost on me just how entitled we all have become. Instead of being forced into marriage we are able to choose our life long spouse. Only lifetimes are longer now and divorce is far easier to come by. We can walk away from anyone with little or no reason. There is no life long investment or committment just scandalous ways for an even more scandulous times. It’s more than embarassing the trade off for wanton desires and needs. What hope do our children have but to fall deeper into despair at the hands of our actions. With little positive role models to look up to anymore where do we turn. Do we keep our nose downward towards the rabbit hole or do we dust ourselves off and vow to live a better life?

It is upsetting to think the amount of women who voluntarily set themselves up to be judged. Today’s reality says you are just a pocket lining and not the star you are shooting for. It happens all the time. Girl feels like she is on the outside looking in until a vulture in waiting eyes an opportunity and takes advantage of the frailty that has been expose. There is no nurturing or guidance to help each other through dark times. I have see more ladies sold out to the highest mob in order to detract attention away from themselves. You always get a feeling if there is a shark lurking in tepid waters. Some are strong enough to brave the waves but others have no chance but to be sucked under by the undertow. It is a sad world when we stop building each other up and start lighting the torches and running with our pitchforks. We are just as naïve as the men claimed us to be in the 1800’s and before. Have we learned from our mistakes or become more like them? Instead of being a fly on the wall just sitting idly by not partaking in any conversation that might prove to be stimulating. We nose our way into situations without even having a clue what it is we are doing. By allowing ourselves to be judged by others that have even less of a clue we open up the floodgates for true heartbreak to occur.

There is a reason why it is hard for me to trust those that have proven to me they are not on my side. I have always stood firm on my ground that it is impossible to be a friend to all. You can be acquaintances of many but when it comes to deep down trust, you can’t trust those who keep close with your enemies because that reality doesn’t exist. To fit yourself in even deeper with them you will share all your secrets and confidants like a common beggar looking for food. You feed off the scraps that they allow you to have but in the end your true colours have been exposed and there is no going back. To watch those smile when you know what they are about is enough for one person to go completely mad. You question if it is your sanity in question that makes you feel this bad. The only person who should be able to hold your head underwater is yourself. You know your shame and your dirty secrets and you know what is at stake. To empower another human being with that kind of information is like sealing your own fate. I would rather walk this life along than beside somebody I hate.