My biggest fear now in life is that my son is destined to make the same mistakes that I did growing up. To me, now, it has become my biggest fear. Sitting on that bus was excruciating, it was even worse on the way home. In the morning hours everybody was still asleep. It was in the after hours that kids got mean. I remembered the boys telling me and my sister we smelled like cow sh*t. For the most part I just wanted to wither up and die. My shyness ate away at me and it is place this hard lump of coal began to grow. My sense of humour grew warped as I was trying to find a way to connect with these kids. Truth be told though I was destined to be one of those grunge kids smoking behind the school and sneaking away for shots of alcohol because staying around school activities just hurt too much.
I remember my first middle school boyfriend like it was yesterday. He was so sweet and courteous, in retrospect he must have been a dream, after him I gravitated mainly to the bad guys, the ones who weren’t in school. The ones that thought any activity that took you away from engaging in sex and alcohol made you super uncool. I think that is why I think about school all the time and how I wish I did things a lot differently. Instead of going to seedy motels to drink alcohol I wish I went to basketball games and dances instead. I robbed myself of my own childhood and I am the only to be blamed for it. If it wasn’t for social media I would never have connected with all my old high school friends. They lived the life I hoped for, they remained all friends. I don’t know what made me gravitate away from all these wonderful beings. We watched each other grow through incredible milestones, we all celebrated in the end like we were close friends. I am thankful for at least the way that school ended because for those three days I felt like I belonged. Now I feel like such a failure shunning this group when I should have tried harder to fit in.
What also sticks inside my mind is all the things my parents said that I now might have to tell my son. It is important not to let your attention draw away from school activities, that is where the bonding truly occurs. Without belonging to school groups or engaging in school activities I drove a wedge between my classmates and I as I never made any time to get to know them. I know it seems ridiculous to think of something so long ago, but the path I chose defined my destiny, made things harder than they ever need to be. I fear for what is happening in the World because these building blocks are so important. School teaches us about how to be a good friend and what direction we want our lives to take it shouldn’t be about lying on our backs just to fit in. Maybe my son will find luck in the sense that it would be harder for him to fall for somebody who is older. As a female we are always intrigued of the allure of an older man. Especially the ones that live on the other side of the tracks. Another alarming fact though is the bad boy I grew up with evolved into some kind of horror I never imagined. These horrors evolve earlier now with mainstream media and violent games. We all watched in horror as a 17 year old and his mom took an AK to a rally and gunned down 3 people. He is out on bail now, I wonder what other terror he is prepared to inflict. This gunmen is made from the very same thread as the high school killer. They have no regards for human life even worse these kids are raised with no consequences. When anybody can enter a party and kill their friends for no reason, oh excuse me the reason being they didn’t fit in we need to have better consequences for our actions or we will let the evil set in.
I wish I was more attentive to my childhood friends that truly cared about me. The ones that would send messages when I was feeling down and try everything to lift me back up. They became my edge of silver lining on an impossible day. Reminding me I was still loved by many although I was now so far away. I remember one friend like it was just yesterday. Now that is what he will always be. I remember all the crazy ways he used to play in the playground and how he always just seemed to gravitate towards me. I didn’t understand him much then like I think I do now. I talk to him daily though he joined the angels so many years ago. I live with the guilt of reading his message then put my phone away. It was the last message he would ever send me I will never stop feeling ashamed. here was no way of knowing what was about to happen to him and all I wanted to do was run by his side, How I wish I went to his bedside, how I wish I said goodbye. I think that is what drew me to our next childhood friend so strong. We grew up together during the same time we were the misfits all who chose wrong.
I have spent half my life running away from my strong centre core, that is where our values lie the things that made us whole. Family and friends who raised us will always have a special place. They knew us before we became adults and started making so many mi stakes. In our eyes we still appear as innocent like no harm can ever come our way. They absolve us of our sins and remind us love will find a way. If it weren’t for these few gentle souls that entered my life at a time when all I needed was a friend. I imagine how much stronger I could have been if I was more into their lives. Instead of a seat inside a classroom waiting for that final bell to ring.