I spent so long running in the wrong direction that it took a long time for me to catch up and realize where I was. It no longer mattered how many people where in my life as long as they were the right ones. Too many lonely nights pinning over somebody else’s heart break that I failed to notice when mine healed. If I listened to what everybody else was saying about me, I would have probably ended up hating me too. But of course all lies because I barely talk to myself anymore. I fill my day’s with the people who appreciate me and everything I really enjoy doing and not much else. People will find new creative ways to let you down if you allow them so what is the sense of gravitating in their direction? I have been trying to dance to my own music oblivious to those watching and for the most part I think I am achieving my own state of bliss and for the shortfall, nothing else matters.
When was the last time you felt free from the control of others? Why do we make it a condition to our existence the acceptance of others? Conformity should terrify us. It should make us run away in fear but in some alter reality it is the fear that binds us and all others appear as strays. Think of the mean girl mentality. Mean girls think that the only opinion that matters is theirs and don’t allow another opinion to enter their mind. They support racism and hate filled behaviour and when called to action they will block and delete you so they don’t ever have to justify their actions. I have been guilty of using a heavy block because my mental state and sanity demands it. I do however unblock eventually because every person deserves their two minutes of shine. I will always stand up for the under dog. They will always have my shoulder to cry on. Where I stop harbouring ill will and bad intentions is when they have directly tried to blow out my candle to make theirs appear brighter. It’s all good girl I see you and you are guilty by association to.
My self love used to get me out of bed every day as I had a long list of tasks I wanted to accomplish. These days after enough proverbial kicks to the groin I am trying to take it a little bit easier than the year prior where everything had to be done just so. Don’t get me wrong, I still try to read, blog and play the violin if there is a fissure of time that I have for myself but as the years tick on I need to take care of myself. For over a week I have felt incredibly disoriented and most things make me sick to my stomach. I have always seen how sick the world has gotten but I had no idea the grandeur left in some to pursue. Why do we hide behind those we think that are destined for greatness? Why do we allow them to trek on stumble on those that have been waiting a life time on feeling accepted and secured. When I started this journey I wanted to join in everybody and what i got was taken out at the knee. At least when they issued the blow they thought they were harming me. All they did was fix the direction in where I was facing and made me stronger than I ever have been before. I don’t need to go towards those girls that are only waiting for you because they hope you will fail. Here in my house everybody is rooting for me and on the larger scheme of things that ain’t too bad. If all I am is who my pets and family and a close circle of friends think I am then that is the best I can ever be. I don’t need a room of people to applaud for me because who I truly am is who I was always destined to be.
You can’t love anybody unless you truly love yourself and you can see yourself in others by the way you act and how it is you reflect onto them. Think of the mean girl wagging her finger and spewing obscenities. No real woman would act like that only a she devil in disguise would be attracting in others. When you see another blatantly making fun of another existence know that you will soon to be next on the chopping block. Loyalty means nothing to these kind of girls. They have sold their soul to the highest bidder and they don’t give two hoots who will get destroyed along the way. They will dig their nails in so deep into each other’s backs that they will try to blame another for their scars. Where do you draw the line on brutality or is there truly nobody that you will not attack. How many times does one have to be belittled for who they are? I guess when the theme for the day is tokenism you believe that everybody is winning, don’t they? As long as the minorities are being covered in these girl gangs you can claim to be exclusive. Isn’t that why you have surrounded yourself with an army because the real you isn’t authentic enough to stand on their own two feet? There was a time when I supported the cause but all I see is a blatant attempt to air other’s dirty laundry in order for you to have this shine. I guess in all truths it isn’t a shine more like a sheen of oil that one can’t slither away from. Nothing that happens will ever stick to you because you brought an army to defend your cause. Me I know who I am in an out of the shadows and your gleam will never take away from who I truly am. I don’t need a serpent to try and entice me down a path I dare not go. I already know the way I am going and I don’t need an army of people just for show. When I take my last breath it will be an honest one and that is more than I can say for you. I am sad for your existence that you have yet to understand and the pour souls you will drag with you when you go.