Pregnancy Loss

“I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that’s real The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everythingWhat have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the endAnd you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt”

For as long as I can remember all I ever wanted to be was a mommy. To be blessed with one after all that I have been through was by far my greatesr accomplishment and honour. Deciding to try for another despite the risks was a no brainer. The love I found in my sister was something I desired for my son. Nothing compares to the love of a sibling. I would risk my life again to give my son a sibling and hopefully a new best friend. My family is my everything and all I wanted was to watch my family grow.

When it comes to family planning it makes the most sense to throw your jimmy cap out of the ring and hope for the best. It’s funny the dates that stick in your head when you are trying to conceive. We were intimate on December 13 and ovulated on the 15th. If all the stars were to align then we would find ourselves with a baby in maybe 7 to 9 months, if all stars aligned. Looking back at last night I was tossing and turning, covered in sweat I already knew something was wrong. I washed myself in the thoughts of love that was growing inside me and laid in silence envisioning the future we would all have.

Mornings all come to quick no matter what it is we had planned. I don’t know what drew me to wear all black because of how much I loved colour, but there I was in head to toe and smoked out eyes at 9 in the morning. Sitting in a waiting room where we were all masked up I couldn’t help but feel alone. All I wanted was to hear my baby’s heart, that beautiful music to my ears. There was something wrong the whole time I laid there I felt this weight take over my heart. I held my breath and waited for the sound I would never hear.

I closed my eyes and waited as 5, 10, 15 minutes passed. She told me she wanted to do an internal ultrasound as my baby was too small. Of course I consented because I just needed to know but all she was doing was taking photos of my dead baby before she could finally tell me the words. Now to clarify for you all that may find this all as a shock. My husband and I have been trying since September in a, I am recording all necessary details and sex has become a chore. For two that have not been known to share our intimacy we made exceptions to grow our World. There were months of ovulation tests, pregnancy tests, scheduled sex until we finally got our positive. December 26th to be exact but what do I know it was only a date.

Of course I only told a very select few. Nobody knew we were trying so why share such news. I also knew that I would share with you all if anything were to happen. I was just waiting for this day to share baby’s first picture. For weeks I was planning what to say and how to announce, I even had an outfit planned out for weekly updated bump pics. Looking at these two trying to work out the dates the only thing I heard was we can’t find a heartbeat. Thinking of when she first saw a picture of my baby all she said is, “I can confirm a pregnancy.” I guess I should have known.

It has been three hours and I have yet to hear from my Doctor. I know a call was made because the Ultrasound Clinic told me. I called her too because I want to know what to do with this dead baby inside of me. My baby by math and science has been gone 2 weeks. I have become my baby’s own tomb and something just breaks deep inside of me. Being stuck in limbo is the worst place to be. Until my baby’s body has been removed how can they ever expect me to heal and come to terms with it. As a mother when we hear that this has happened we want to blame ourselves. We want to excuse it all away like if only I was a better person this wouldn’t have happened to me this way. Life is this incredible blessing that we will never understand. Why some are granted life and others get taken away, I think we would find it easier if our love could always stay.

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