Starting my day earlier than normal yesterday I was hopeful for the day in store. It was a long anticipated ultrasound of a baby that took a few long months in order to conceive. Morning sickness had turned to all day and there were those days where I was just impossibly tired, too tired to move. One of my favourite experiences when I was carrying my son was being able to hear his heartbeat and see my lil bean tucked safely in his cocoon ready to be transformed and reborn into something incredibly amazing and new. I knew my internal clock was ticking so loud but I had faith in the journey and the process and was excited for my last time carrying my unborn.

Waiting room’s these days are so impersonal and cold. My anxiety takes me to places where I expect the worst and that it somehow exceeds my expectations. There is alot to say about a friendly smile and kind eyes which no longer exists. Pandemics bring out the worst in us as we struggle for at least a sliver of normalcy in a world grown cold. Signs telling you to space out and respect social distancing. Feeling more like a cow being lead to slaughter I wanted to run and take all my insecurities with me.

You have to remember, I have been let down by our medical community. I will never forget walking on watermelons to my last ob/gyn appointment where I tried to communicate the pain I was in. Sporadic bleeding, incredible heartburn and headaches that would have any sane person bashing there head into the walls. I remember filling my 200 pill antacid prescription then wrapping myself in ice to sleep. It was the only way to control the pain. All these emotions come flooding back to me and I couldn’t help but be skeptical about the care I was about to receive.

Of course I am going to relive every second of yesterday. It is all I have to go by. You told me my baby was too small and no heart beat was detected. Once home I added up the weeks and was shocked to find how you dated my fetus was the exact age he should have been so why the immediate recommendation to get a D and C. You wanted me to ask questions but I honestly had none. I had nothing to say to a man who was quick to dismiss me when this was my hopes for the future coming to an end. I may not be a professional but I have experience in this field. At 28 and 7 weeks pregnant my ex beat my stomach killing our baby inside. Even with all that information they still advised me to go in for blood tests every 48 hours to make sure my HCG was going down. This wasn’t presented to me just remove the tissue inside you and you will be good to go.

One in five pregnancies end in a lost so it is more common than we realized and alot of us suffer alone. I had no bleeding, no cramping, no signs of termination just a heart rate that wasn’t there. I felt put off by the tech as she wanted to know how I made it to an ultrasound with no bloodwork, almost like I was wasting her time. When it comes to broken hearts we expect Google to have all the answers. Yesterday Google also told me that sometimes heart beats aren’t dedicted until further along, in fact most start showing at 7 weeks. Why couldn’t my baby need a little more time? How is it mine is dead?

They tell us to research even though we might not like what we will find. Waiting for my Dr to call I got lost in my thoughts and the hope of it all. What I was finding was a belief that some of these pregnancy losses were slow developing babies that medicine never granted a chance. When it comes to terminating a pregnancy I wasn’t going to trust all that we were saying. How can somebody proactively terminate a pregnancy without knowing all the facts. What I needed to know was if my HCG hormones were going down because none of my symptons were decreasing. Imagine insisting with your Doctor at 6 pm that you were doing nothing until the bloodwork confirmed what they all insisted to be true. This is my body, my life so who does waiting a week really hurt? Maybe my baby was still trying to come alive.

I remember the lab technician telling me she had to consult with their Doctor on shift. You know the expert on duty to tell me the news. I wonder how often this game is truly played? The game I am referring to is the lying of a professional to get us out of their way. My Doctor confirmed she talked to the Senior Technician in charge, not a Doctor. It felt almost like I was yet again another inconvenience not worthy of accountability and proper, tender care. Being lied to more than once I am demanding as many other opinions that I feel it will take. Wouldn’t you rather have piece of mind then allowing them to brush you aside. What is incredulous to me is how because of all the hormones I would still have pregnancy symptons even weeks after termination. That also to me doesn’t make sense because if the fetus is gone then the HCG hormone fails to double but decrease. I know I got news that is hard to accept and even harder to ignore. If I am going to have to end this dream of a baby I was hoping to one day see, I am going to have to proceed with caution and do what is right for me. If I can’t turn back the hands of time, I can at least demand some validity. There is no harm in a second opinion or getting my heart to ease. To fail such a new life so early, my only hope is to be forgiven.