There is nothing quite as isolating as being a woman. For the most part we suffer alone not wanting to impose on other’s the fear and insecurities that we sometimes feel. We are quick to be labelled crazy and delusional even though what is driving us is passion. What is inside all of us is a fire to do better and to ensure better for our children. We fight for those we love even in silence. Even when the pain is too much we feel crippled by the weight. We can’t turn away hope without waiting to uncovering what lays in wait beyond each turn. In these moments we don’t have many too talk to. And far less who will truly understand. Our fear is heightened even more depending on who delivered the news.
Last Monday I went for what I thought was a fairly common ultrasound. Just a quick dating of my baby then off to book a multitude of appointments relating to my new little bean. What I got was a general lab technician telling my baby had stopped growing although the dates were spot on. It was almost like baby’s heart stopped beating the minute they started their waves. At first hearing the news was soul crushing. I couldn’t imagine having to go through the routine of trying to get pregnant again. I was devastated and even worse the recommendation was to go straight to the hospital for a D and C. My horror had barely registered and I have yet to show signs of miscarrying. I know that it is not the case in every pregnancy loss but for me I needed to feel reassured. I have aborted a baby previous. I know how that loss will haunt you decades later. Just when you think you maybe over it something like this occurs. I blamed myself for what was happening. Like maybe if I was a better person I wouldn’t be punished in this way. I couldn’t make right all my wrongs. There was far too many to mention. How do I say goodbye to someone it feels like I waited my whole life for and who do you talk to that would understand?
My son my first born was the greatest gift I could ever imagine. It seemed like from the very first time we found out we were having him the complications began. There was so much sporadic bleeding that sent me rushing to the ER every time. I couldn’t lose my lil angel I would do anything to keep him here. I was miserable the whole time. Headaches, nausea, heartburn, water retention every day felt like I was dying. I never believed I would die. I just thought because of my age (37) that the pregnancy symptoms would be harder. We could read anything online to appease our fears. I was lucky though in the end. Giving birth to a healthy baby boy. Although 8 weeks early we were all doing relatively ok. I remember all the specialists and the MRI’s that they sent me on. They had to see how the brain was affected by the seizures and of course if my blood pressure would ever return to being the same. What stood out to me the most was them telling me if I got pregnant in the future it would be rare for the outcome to be the same. I had hope for our families future because I always wanted more than one so my child could have a sibling. A partner in crime, someone to always have his back.
To the outside world our relationship seems volatile but we are actually pretty solid all the same. We fight with each other but defend each other in ways that most couples could never imagine. It took a lot of talking and deciding if another child was what we wanted. We would try coincided with my ovulation and every month was the same until finally we saw the two little lines that confirmed what we had been hoping. Of course we were scared, what family truly isn’t when it comes to another life that you are responsible for. The lack of sleep, energy and all the deprivation that comes with it would be worth it in the end. I was so excited to start the journey but all of a sudden it came to an end. Like the ground ripped from underneath me I was told there was no hope and to do the right thing. The only thing that I could think of is there must have been some mistake. I could allow this journey to be over from what the technician who was clearly not interested in pregnancy actually saw. You can’t feel like the plague of the New World order is breathing down your neck. Were they trying to terminate my pregnancy at 7 weeks with no actual just cause? I needed proof than just this one ultrasound to confirm my worst fears. I had to fight with my doctor just to get the blood tests required to confirm that more hormones were in fact going down. I started the process on Tuesday and Friday was my last test. Now I wait for tomorrow longing to hear the fate of my destiny, my final last words.
I sat here in silence with a baby that all others believed to be dead. Still no symptoms or side affects confirming a miscarrying just incredible morning sickness intensified by my fear. It almost felt like it was my baby saying, oh mommy can’t you feel me? please now that I am still here. My husband didn’t want to talk about the possibility he has already written the baby off as dead. Most others offer me their sympathy letting me know they had lost a baby too just like me. I haven’t lost my baby yet he is still very much with me. I know it has only been a week where I have been rapped inside my own head. I anxiously await for tomorrow not thinking of much else. I am terrified of what tomorrow may bring but at least I will finally know. I can’t stop my own heart from beating or the fear of failure that may continue to grow. Have you ever been so scared of your own shadow you just want to jump and hide away? I would hide away forever if that meant my baby could finally stay. I want to hope for the best but all around me others are trying to get me to accept my fate. To all other’s tomorrow is just another date but for me when tomorrow comes I will finally know my fate.