We already know after losing a baby our next born is referred to our “Rainbow Baby” but what do we call the one we just lost. My angel is still inside of me although her spirit has moved on. My Dr confirmed yesterday that my HCG hormone is going down. She was surprised to learn that after a week my morning sickness was still running rampant and no other signs of miscarrying. No bleeding, no cramping, no nothing just the fuzzy feeling of where my expectant mothering has been turning in high gear. I am ravenous still like I am feeding for too but that is no longer a possibility this I know for sure.

All the information I have acquired tells me my lil bean passed in utero either that day or the day before. I can’t stop my head from reeling every thought and thing I had done. Life is so precious when you think of it. It is so incredible just how fragile life has become. From being a teen that could get pregnant easily to becoming a middle aged woman who can not the journey is more than humbling. You feel like you are being punished for the lives you threw away so easily. For a week I let myself live in limbo alone by myself. I felt crazy and dilusional worst off I felt alone. My husband didn’t want to talk about it. He never wants to talk to me it seems. Now that it’s over I grieve in silence trying not to hate myself more than I already do.

As a woman whose child to be decided life was not in the cards for them we fixate on all the things we did wrong. For me I have convinced myself that it was because the only thing I could eat and keep down was a veggie sub from Subway. On my final night of sub consumption I woke up at about 3 in the morning. I was sweating and cramping and in so much pain. I thought I lucked out though when there was no blood to be seen. I also blame myself for talking to myself too much. Asking my baby if they liked this name or that makes me feel like they obviously did not. All these things had little to do with how are story ended. It just may have been not the right time for my little bean these answers I may never find. It’s hard to recognize the blessings in disguise or the hidden meanings we were never meant to know. It has nothing to do with me being a bad mom. I have my son, my living proof of the opposite.

Everybody keeps asking me if we are going to try again like the baby I lost isn’t still inside of me. Every time I look on social media I see happy pregnant ladies and newborn pictures reminding just how much I have failed. It is hard just to smile these days so I preserve all my strength for my son. It is the never ending roller coaster ride where one minute you feel like you are ok then you are reminded just how many times your body has failed you. I like in the darkest corners f my mind trying to remind myself just all the ways I was terrible to others in a way to justify my pain now. There is so much life swirling around me but the only one I seem to focus on is the one I don’t have. Why do our minds work in this way? I am trying to make good choices and learn from my past mistakes but when you feel that somehow you are being punished it is hard to see the light. Maybe my son is my only grounding point who I should focus my attention on next. All I wanted was a fuller family, one that you could always count onto be there. I know what it feels like to be lonely, I want to try and stop my son from ever feeling all alone. My son is already my rainbow baby. My lil gift from the sky. I should learn not to ask for too many blessings there are a billion others out there wayworse off than me.

I need to remind myself that the bigger the storm the brighter the rainbow and it can’t rain all the time. We all feeling pain in some form or another it is almost like in our grief we should appreciate the sorrow. The hardest obstacle is trying to relay to others in all the ways you think you are going mad. It has been a week and I still have severe morning sickness. Almost like a sick cruel joke performed to the world. I never claimed to be an honest person, but I am trying to. I don’t want to hurt anybody anymore in the ways that I used to. The deeper I go into this depression the harder it becomes. I feel like I am drowning and all I want to do is sleep. My nerves are on edge in every possible way. There are those who have become a comfort and then there are those who continue to contribute to the heartache. I wish this part of my story could come to a close but it seems like it is the furthest thing from reality. How do you begin to establish some sort of control when everything is spinning out of it? How does one focus on the good when all that you are reminded of is the bad. I never imagined I would be blessed with a rainbow baby and now I have to pray to the heaven’s for two? I know I am not worthy of that kind of salvation. My life was saved when my Schmoo was given to me. I try not to focus on the pain but it is all that I have. Right now I am relying on my three year old to save me and it is such a terrible place to be.