This entry starts with a trigger warning because it will talk about the prescription induced miscarriage I am expeeiencing at home. For some we don’t like to talk about the intimate details of something so personal that will result in a loss but I believe in something else entirely. We are billions of people strong that can relate to each other on so many levels but we keep to ourselves and move on. But we never move passed these moments, objects and feelings that trigger us reducing us to an outer shell waiting to crumble underneath the weighr. If we had the courage to see and share what is right in front of us, maybe living wouldn’t be so hard.
Who can you talk to in a world too sensitive? Is it too much to share because it might open the eyes and the heart of another and it is better to be cut off and feeling all alone? My favourite advice is just get over it, but how do you just get over something that hasn’t occurred. A week and a half ago I was told there was no heartbeat but I prolonged the inevitable asking for bloodwork. I needed to know from all corners of my heart that my baby was gone and couldn’t be saved. After my mind was appeased it was time to start the process so I can in fact move on. It’s not so easy when your body holds onto what was. It has been day 8 with no heartbeat, bleeding or cramping. Was today the day I finally had to say goodbye?
The Women’s Clinic called early, at my request. I was just so eager to start the process so I can pick up the shattered pieces of my heart and move. Your regular Dr can’t prescribe what is required only the Dr’s at the Women’s Clinic can. My fear was to have to wait till the end of the week with what failed inside me along for the ride. I was excited to fill my prescription till we learned at the pharmacy that it wasn’t a regular item they kept on. My blood pressure rose and I began to sweat. How much longer was I going to have to be reminded of my failure lucky for them my rainbow 3 year old reminded me of the love I alreaded had. There are 3 options but all I heard was one. My heart was set on trying to lose my baby at home. Looking back with my heating pad and water bottle it may have made sense to have gone in. To me the idea of having a D & C triggered me making me feel like the worse mother and human being. As a woman who has had an abortion you feel guilty for the life you ended when you become in love with the lives you create.
But now instead of daydreaming of one day having a little girl I keep praying that she will release and finally let go. The next part of this post may get real but these are simple facts. The facts we don’t talk about because it will make another uncomfortable. I opted for the “expulsion of tissue” at home, I think that is their medical term. When I made the decision it was more out of mental comfort than triggering guilt of my unborn children. I have lost 3 in total. This being the fourth. What they want you to believe is it’s just tissue and cells and no resemblance to a fetus. What I can assure you is you can very well tell exactly what it is when it comes out. So that is where my thoughts now get to go. I have to monitor and watch how much tissue is lost to ensure enough is gone. Seems like it would be less triggering with the D & C at the hospital if you asked me.
What I hate about those that are always being triggered you minimize the feelings and sorrow of those that are being exposed. Imagine having your raw emotions muted and your feelings for comfort desensitized over and over again. We keep giving the worst moments of our lives power if we keep cowering our heads in shame. Whatever happened or happens to us is out of our control. We can’t interfer at death’s door nor can we stop the dip down on that emotional roller coaster ride. What we can do is reclaim our power by being more forefront with our experience and help us all move through our pain and hurt. Something keeps us from honouring their transition into something innocent into something more hardened and cruel. If you can’t relieve the weight of your mind how can you begin to be healthy again. I can never understand how we are losing out in such a golden opportunity to seal our sistered and reassure our faith. The faith that if we all live honourably we should experience more joy than hurt. We can only heal the hurt that kills us when shorten the gap between us by being kind and trying to understand.
So off on a tangent or is something just off? My mind is playing tricks with me as I try to spin a story that eases my heart. The Universe is cruel when it’s angry and now I wonder what it is done. When I first found out my babies heart stopped beating my cousin welcomed his first born into the world. Now that I have started the process of “expelling the tissue” one of my greatest friends is welcoming her first born. Hard to not feel the sting of those intention blows and to make it more personal than it is. These are moments in time that affect our emotions and we should feel safe enough to experience them.