What are you scared to share with people because you are scared it would change your opinion of you? We have all engaged in some sort of act that when we look back on it and cringe. How can we let something so trivial hold that kind of power of us? Trivial because it no longer applies to our new authentic self. Maybe we lost sight of who it is we truly or or no longer believe that we can finally be that person we always dreamed that we could be. The more time that goes by the further it is we think we have become but in the reality we are closer to the truth than ever before. What I think about now after the loss of my unborn is how I carried around death inside of me for 9 days. Where once inside me granted the ability of life it was the same portal that decided to strip it away. Where life is created it can so be taken. I can’t help but wonder if their was a fight for souls at the door. Imagine the possibility of every possible being waiting in line for their chance to be reborn. I only think in that context because of the way I felt carrying round death deep inside of me.
I felt angry and sick and oh so confused even before I heard what the doctors told me. I was feeling really miserable but I chalked it up to being pregnant but there are some feelings that arise that should indicate the possibility of something more sinister. Whatever it is that we believe it is up to us to own it and we shouldn’t feel fear just because it may be different than every one else. There is a reason why we are feeling what it is we are feeling even if it is just to protect our own mind. What would happen if we listened to our own authentic hearts and be damned of other people’s poisons. Think of how it feels when you are with someone and you have to bite your tongue because you are scared you may offend. Imagine if your last breath here on Earth was held in because you didn’t want to grate on somebody’s nerves. Do you think they are having the same thought about you or are they only thinking of how the conversation can benefit them. Think of how it feel when somebody invalidates your existence. That is what they are doing when they are refusing to acknowledge your pain. You decide to hold it in. Your whole damn life is spent choking on your own cancer. The things that were self inflicted and the things that didn’t mean harm. Is there harm in releasing our insecurities to the Universe to be healed or should we try to remain broken our whole lives. You may never be able to piece together all that was broken but if you put in enough effort you maybe able to mend yourself so that you are stronger from your impurities.
My biggest fear used to be that I would never fit in. That no matter how hard I tried to conform to somebody else’s ideologies the more ground into dust I become. Our fears change accordingly to where we find ourselves in our stories. What makes me vulnerable now is something I took advantage of for so many years. Oddly what makes me weak now is the same thing that put all my pieces back together. Becoming a mother was the missing pieces I so desperately needed when I was younger. Being too young back then has now made me become desperate. In the eyes of my child I am more than complete. I finally know what it means to have the sun rise and set in another’s eyes. He gives me the will and determination to face each day even though the day is intent in kicking me to the ground. What a long eagerly for now is the chance to raise a daughter. The idea that all that I have become to know in this life will fall against deaf ears with nobody desiring to learn them. All the tips, tricks and techniques I learned along the way from women I most admire. Carrying a new life filled me with so much hope. Losing that hope has filled me with so many negative emotions that would rather drag me down than to lift me back up. All I can focus on is the failure. Did I eat the wrong thing? Keep caffeine in my diet to late or took it out to early? Should I have started to eat meat to ensure I was getting enough nutrition? Is there nutrition to be had from eating the murder of another species? Am I too physically unfit or maybe mentally unsound? Did you hear my voice inside the womb and had to run away? Am I destined to always have this void in my heart where your existence should have been? Is this my new normal have I lost the chance to have another child?
My feelings are too raw. I am feeling vulnerable and exposed. I like the childlike nature of my insecurities unfound. Life is like magic where there was once nothing there becomes everything. The manners in which we engage with each other never to be lost. If it filled the heart with pleasure you can be sure it can be replaced with pain as easy as it was found it can never be seen again. We spend our lives chasing an entity that will never come into fruition never see life. It’s because that is what they have us chasing so we can never find peace or see the light. If we are constantly rushing to what is just outside that door we will never fully appreciate our surroundings. Think about what that truly means. In my raw state I take advantage of those nearest to me. My favourite lash out is at my husband and he should be the own standing high on a pedestal. He has truly lived up to, “for in sickness, then in health.” Nobody gets madder at this man then I do. If noses grew from lies than he would have Pinocchio beat. However, there is no denying he is very loyal in every way. He is the one that got me to the hospital saving my son and my life. He also continue working even the stress became too much. He has always ensure that all the bill have been fed, a roof over our heads and even kept food on the table even if it was just bread. There is something to be said for loyalty like this. My biggest fear is never conceiving again. Or worse yet conceiving and losing again and again. The strength of some women who desire nothing more than life. We should honour their existence of trying and the loss that they are sure to feel. In our raw states we can begin to heal each other, replacing negative energy with positivity and goodwill.