TRIGGER WARNING: Let it be known at 7:52 PM on this date my baby has officially left my body. Please read no farther if you are sensitive or easily triggered but not only did I fee the release of pressure and weight I also saw what one would expect when coming across a situation like mine. I saw exactly what we are taught in Biology it was quite shocking actually how everything was just so. I know what was I thinking looking down onto the off white porcelain. This time I knew this relief was different and it was never one I experienced fully conscious for before. Everything I thought I saw before pales in comparison to what I was seeing and mentally I was very relieved as well. Whatever you think of me in this moment I realize has nothing to do with me. Ya sure it is easier to feel a certain way about somebody you don’t know. But above everything else we need to talk about these moments so we are fully aware of what are bodies do and how they function. Even graphic still I felt different all morning, I was brimming with positive energy and good cheer. All of a sudden though I was flushed with hot crimson almost like how I used to experience as a teen girl. It was almost like I knew that making those muscles work would release what was stuck in me. Working like natural contractions after all. Seeing what I saw and knowing how I felt leading up to everything has really truly turned me off. I feel the kiss of death now cold on my lips as a new surge of melancholy over takes me.
This is going to be haunting. The linger and the drop, splashing into the toilet like nothing. Some images you will never forget seeing. What happens to me in these tragic moments is I tend to have a deep desire to sink instead of swim. How does one go on from seeing what could have been be nothing. I know I am not the only one. There is no way I am. The world is too vast and infinite for that. I am driven by the sense of power in that I want to empower my life to be more receptive of all the possibilities instead of focusing on the what if’s. If I am not alone in this experience doesn’t it make sense we come together in a world so cold at least we can find warmth. Interwoven by our tragedies, attracted by our similarities yet open and receptive in all the ways are lives differ. What moments in your life make you smile and then the ones that haunt you that chased away your sun and brought on the storm clouds. It is ok to want the rainbow and the silver lining too and if you can find it with another wouldn’t that make all the more sense. What if in life is the only time we get to experience each other and we take for granted the experience not slowing down enough to enjoy each other’s company and share. What if our life’s story could inspire or heal another wouldn’t it be worth sharing or what if listening to another helped heal yours? Humans don’t live in isolation because when they do look at what crazed ideas it is they can conceive. We need to focus on what feels good both physically and mentally and really try to listen and heal our own bodies. My body was guiding me very carefully of what I needed to do and I am sharing that story for the one and a millionth who experienced what I did. This story isn’t meant for everybody. Only the ones that need to hear this experience. I hope it helps for them to to move past whatever they are stuck on.
For the longest time I have been stuck on who I am trying to impress. It started at a very young age. I wanted to be noticed and liked but I was also very shy. Factor insecurities that came from some very severe and heavy mental and physical abuse. Nothing shatters a teens self esteem like a very controlling boyfriend shattering your visions of a fairytale ending. My first boyfriend raped me but that wasn’t my first intimate experience. We used to be physical. I wanted him to like me but in the end I found myself taking back my permission. I was growing tired of being used as an ashtray and under house arrest. I had to answer to him for everything but I found my escape. I joined a youth group and they told me it was my right and my body so I could say no at any time that I wanted. Their opinion meant more to me than his now those days so when he insisted on sex I cried and begged him not too and he eventually stopped. I hated myself in that moment I felt so dirty and disgusting. I hated him more I remember too. Either way the damage was done. There was enough and I ended up pregnant crushing my soul and ending my relationship pretty quick. My dad was enraged and he wanted to kill him and if you saw my dad enraged you would stay away too. So I guess after all that mental and physical anguish I just wanted people to like me but I felt so disgusted with everything about me inside and out.
If you can’t say your truths, relieve the weights from your hearts than what happens to you when you pass on. If the weights are too heavy do you have no other choice to be weighed down to hell and far beyond. Think of how you feel when you are deciding upon something heavy like a 1,000 pound weight off your back. We have to come clean to somebody, somewhere or how else do we set it all free. I think that is what alarms me about humanity. So many people with blasé attitudes. Monkey see, monkey do. You know who I have to be truthful to is this gal. Just me, myself and I. If I am authentic, loyal and honest than no harm will ever come for me because there is no sense in chasing what is not happening and that you can’t see. What seven weeks took away from me is the way I viewed my life and truly seeking that silver when so many look for grey. With every down comes another up like the weighing of scales on the Titanic. Are these scales saved or are they lost at sea. Navigate your course clearly and live your life vicariously for yourself, your very first love affair at least it should have been, you. I am trying to impress myself first of all and live my life accordingly like only one in love with their life can do.