For a few days now I have had this song playing on repeat. It is oddly satisfying how similar the lyrics are to my day to day life. There is no possible way I can even tiptoe around any quieter and my tongue is raw from being bite. My shoulders are wrapped up tight around my neck and I shudder to think of what might be said next. No matter what I do or in the order that I get it done there will always be something I can be doing better and I get questioned for wasting a lot of time. I guess I see the point if I am sitting around and the house is trashed and the boy is wild of course if I were him I would be upset but seriously though where is the love? I know I am crazy, irrational and pretty far out there. It takes a special kind of talent for a man to be able to deal with me long term. I have never been anybody’s regular flavour. More kind of like a wild night out with a nasty hangover except for with this one there is no cure. The constant headache and turn of the stomach that is me so no wonder why I got somebody so emotional detached. We are so far each other realm’s of reality I guess it kind of works?

There is no secret we met off of Tinder. Ha ha right it is exactly what you would think right? Well we are married with a kid so obviously we were hooking up and accidentally got pregnant. You are right with the later but we did wait a while before we were intimate. We were beyond the scope of awkward teenagers and both tired of what the dating pool had to offer. We were kind of each others best options. I was tired of all the married toothless wonders looking for a wham bam thank you man. We both wanted to settle and have a family and then fate quickly intervened. Before we both knew what happened I was carrying our son and that was when I realized our skeletons in each others closets kept each other entertained. I think what gets so easily overlooked is that passion for family and wanting to have a future and somebody to build a life with. Other than I am convinced my husband hates me things are actually quite fine. We are bat sh8t crazy when it comes to our cats. Of course we would have to be we somehow ended up with 9. I don’t know who would be the first to over spend but we both like to have our lush items. I think it is true what they say that you have to have balance. Is it possible that my husband loves me as his wife but as a person I get on his last nerves. I knew I wasn’t everyboy’s cup of tea bu how did we get to four years vested in?

There is so much more that just the odd here are there. It is a constant everyday. The only way I can describe it is I am being micromanaged. The house could be clean but he would say next time make sure you clean out the vent raps. Ok sure thanks. The only time he noticed my hair was to let me know how I cut my hair too short. I mean I don’t ever here a compliment but I am first to hear a critique. I worry when he speaks because I wonder what it is I have done wrong now. Even when I asked for a shower it was roll of the eyeballs. I know what you are thinking “ask for a shower”. After Schmoo falls asleep sometimes I want to try something adventurous and try to have a long, leisurely hot steamy shower. Alone. “He’s going to wake up for sure.” was His response. “and when you do it is your turn to take care of him I just sat with him and got him to fall asleep”. There is almost nothing as annoying than listen to this man complain about his free time or me time when he takes more smokes breaks than I ever did working at Swiss Chalet. I say breaks because the man sits there staring at You-Tube and other chicks day to day on Facebook. I try to be creative and take updated and fresh pictures and now trying to throw a little positive twist to life. Why doesn’t my husband like any of my photos if I had low self esteem I would think I was a troll. I guess it helps that I am learning not to care too much what he thinks. I am trying to focus hard on living my best life and making my son’s life great. And if you haven’t already give me a follow on instagram @sweetrubyluez. Some days I have dreams that my blog or insta take off but like my husband said do it because you like too and when you don’t anymore stop. Life is what you make it and even if my Husband, Buzz Killington, is by my side the whole way we have the loyalty of family to guide us through the way.

Thinking in my head where the thoughts are moving a mile a minute I can’t help but thinking that maybe it is me. See if my husband hates me and my dad hates me than common sense it is definitely me. Maybe it is my love for “airing out dirty laundry”. Nobody likes somebody who shares too much. I suppose by airing out your filth you impose your stench out in the world, forcing others to only see what it is you are prepared to dish out. But after awhile doesn’t the stench move along living the laundry fresher even for just awhile. We aren’t all created equal but we do all deserve our fair chance so if it helps airing some just for awhile wouldn’t you want to too. What is tarnished and ruined by one is another’s lost treasure so be careful with how far you throw stones. I doubt he would even notice me, even if I hit him with a stone so for now I will try my best to blend in. Oh who am I kidding I was born to stand out and you can always find me dancing to my own song.

“HE fucking hates me Trust she fucking hates me La, la, la, love I tried too hard and she tore my feelings like I had none And ripped them away