Hate The Way

I hate the way death changes us. I hate how we have to be happy when I all I really want is to be sad. I hate the why some deceive us so they can get ahead in life somehow from our pain. What hurts worse of all is those you think you trusted only to left estranged forever more. Loyalty sees through all these indiscretions and shelters us away from rainy days. True friends will sing your praises in a room of full of people who hate you. They can’t be swayed by others opinions for they know the truth. My 12 year old heart is left exposed from all the realness. I have been catapulted back there again. I long to be held just like I used to be. I would settle for just a soul grounding hug. My truth is my husband never touches me. He would sleep through life if I let him, nothing I do could ever penetrate his skin. What happened it happened for a reason is it a sign that one between us was enough? What signs do I look for to tell me to stop trying?

In my growing melancholy I grow mute with anticipation of what is coming my way next. 7 weeks. 7 weeks is the common number. Do I wait 7 weeks to make a decision on what it is I am supposed o be doing. What do I mean 7 weeks is the common number? & weeks is how far along I was when I lost my first child ever conceived. Correction. I ended that pregnancy by my own choice. Maybe not free will as my dad was very adamant but at the end of the day it was my choice if I wanted to I could have run away. I was 7 weeks along when they told me no heart beat. The only thing that worries me about these next 7 weeks is when you start counting numbers it is a sign of a mental mind that is getting ready to split. I guess it was going to happen there is only so far a mind can stretch. Leave it to my imagination though to run wild in every which way. I mean what I said about celebrating your life. There are so many reasons why everyday should be spent in that way. Your mood is what attracts every sense of good that is to come into your life. That is why I severe ties and have no problem parting ways. Life is so fleeting it moves faster than a blink of an eye. I don’t want to waste a moment because sometimes those mometns is all we got.

I hate the way our good intentions get twisted in such a way. Words are always used against. Edits are more than a common thought. I fear for what others are plotting especially those that have burned you first hand. Maybe it is a growing sense of social anxiety that has got me all worked up into knots. I am ok with playing a character to shelter myself from the world but when it comes to be private in a one and one setting I am going to try my hardest to avoid. Nothing can be used against you if you keep all thoughts out in the public. This is a new normality that I am growing to quickly understand. Some can’t speak their own truths almost in the same way they have a hard time believing their own lies. Happiness in moderation until it is all taken away. Those in my life that make their presence known in the most incredible ways. The message to see how is it is going or to come to my defense. In this world of soulless vultures it has become way too common don’t you think? To understand life you have to explore life and that is more than just being conceited and pretentious. You have to let your guard down and be a willing observer instead of an active participant in life. To try and understand the imperfect ways that we all come together to bring joy and sorrow into each others life’s. One person’s tragedy could very well be another persons saviour. You never know who you are going to offend so some things are better off unsaid.

I am one of the lucky ones who had learned to appreciate her life. I stood on the other side of the barrier, looking in yet out of sight. When you see how those who love you become impacted by your loss, those are the ones you need to spend time with. Sure people can message and they can call but if you are nearing the end of your life and they are nowhere to be found I am telling you right now it is time to move on. Those who fail to acknowledge your cry for help is a desperate plea have little to no interest in your life and who you are to be as a person. The harsh reality the sooner it is realized will save you a lot of grief. Those who turn their back on you are also very quick to throw it in your face. Life can change us but we are capable of learning to adapt. Adapt to being kinder more forgiving humans who strive for happiness and not always be right. They are the ones who will let their guards down just for one more loving embrace. Those are the ones worth fighting for, the ones worth saving face.

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