I wonder if every husband is determined to get on their wives nerves or if it is truly just mine. My mind wonders to why we even bother to say the vows anymore if we are just going to turn around and change our minds. They are very precisely written to ensure that you wouldn’t get left behind in your golden years. Imagine investing all that time and having a family only to segregate so half of it away. Yes we have heard of co-parenting and half siblings and all that jazz but there are reasons why the family was put on top of a pedestal so I wonder now what makes us want to give it all away. Look at what people do for sex. The wanton lust of another. For some insane reason we have reduced our own existence to be one physical act. At least that is what life was like for me. When I lost that greater sense of self it didn’t matter too much to me. I didn’t matter too many and the ones who did I was successful in pushing them away. Nothing truly mattered any more than it all began to happen. In a blink of an eye life could change with no explanation to even why.
When my Grandma passed away I was floored. For so many reasons I was caught off guard. One being I automatically assumed it was my Mom’s Mom simply because she had fallen ill once before. You never forget your Grandma being airlifted from the Trail Hospital to get her too Vancouver in time. This was in the early 90’s. I was young almost too young. I think I was 13 to be exact. Younger than that because we were still in Elementary School but either way I remember feeling that sense of being helpless. Where does she go if she dies and why does she even have to die at all? Those questions I let fill my mind until there were no more questions left to ask. Death will always be the thing that scares me. I need to know when and of course I would like to know why. I don’t want to feel like this was all for nothing that when we die that is all we are to become. I can’t believe that there are some that we will never ever see again and there are those who barely lived. That is the cruelest rules of the game right there that we aren’t all given our own fair shots. Some will never get the luxury of others and others will take everything for granted until they take their last breath.
There are probably a million reasons that go throw my head on any given day of why I want to leave my husband. There is only one that grounds me and truly the only one that I could ever live with. Things aren’t horrible but they aren’t what Hollywood promised. This is where my shadow of a doubt creeps in telling me you can love your husband and be happy and not be truly, madly, deeply do. My family was this incredible twist of fate that kept me from falling and truly saving face. My husband is my best friend even though we fight like cats and dogs. He knows just what to say to make me feel like I don’t even matter too much at all. He says he doesn’t notice and at times I believe that to be true. My husband the recovering addict who has broken more hearts than he has saved I am sure. I don’t like to share too much of his story as I don’t feel like it’s my place. I want to share the other half of the picture so maybe it can all make sense. What makes me kinda hated by some is the fact that I am so blunt honest. I have nothing to hide and all my posts are made public and I hope one day he might even take a read. There is nothing more annoying than watching that man puff on a cigarette as he scrolls through other women’s profiles. He can say it ain’t happening but sometimes I am right there. How come my pictures aren’t good enough but theirs some how is?
I think why I am content in my melancholy is I once had true love. My soul recognized his soul from far across the room. I have spent all of my adult life being in love with this one. He may not even know it in fact and it wouldn’t matter even if he did. I have known for awhile that this isn’t the lifetime that we are meant to be together. I feel that we may have throughout time but I know for sure this one will never happen. My family, and I mean all of my family even the annoying bits I would never trade for anything. We are all equally needed to make all the pieces fit nicely in. If I believe in anything I know that this I can believe for sure. My son is so perfect but it took half me and half him. So no matter that the soul shattering, lustful love is missing. We have a deep rooted loyalty built on an abundance of love and family. I wonder if I am my husband’s other choice. He must feel the missed connection you would have to be numb not to notice. I feel comforted in knowing that before me was another that had passed away beside him. It makes our journey together feel more complete but oh so bittersweet. I don’t need to know what is out there because I know nothing has ever compared. When your soul stirs you know it you can’t build up to it it is just there. In the absence of our true love we can still find comfort in each other. It is ok to let your guard down so you can learn to embrace each minute.