Light Up Your Life

I think where we fall into trouble is we fall for the lies that are being told us. The misrepresentation of character. The replica of a man that they believe themselves to be. We all behave differently when it comes to somebody we don’t know. Putting our best face forward to try and fall in love with life and the world. None of us want to live alone. Nor do we want to die with nobody at our bedside so we settle for mediocre content in our own families until somebody comes along and tries to sway us otherwise. People in search of greener pastures drive me mad. The ones who leave their commitments because somebody made them new promises that their partner has forgotten about or worst yet fails to recognize on every step of the way. We fall for who they could have been. A reminder of the character they played before. Once they try to overlap the main characters it is something you can no longer ignore. There are those who lie and then there are those who cheat and there are always those ready to defy the rest of the world.

As a mother we think differently. At least I do from my husband and it truly does get on my nerves. I always think of my son having the best and it is more than just gift and money giving like his Dad thinks. I care that he has the last bowl of pasta, cup of milk or candy bar. I will never get used to the fact that all these things will be there when I go to bed and is gone before either one of us opens our eyes. Who eats all the candy bars out of a lunchable and when asked blames their child. Everything boils down to it being my son. The remote is missing, wallet, keys, lighter and it all boils down to my 3 year old taking it. It used to be me but I can talk back. I never knew a grown man who got off on blaming a child. As a mother bear my hair stands on end. But that same woman has grown tired and more than depressed from all the fighting. Am I madly in love with my spouse? I question whether anybody anymore is. How can we be when we fixate on what gets on our nerves and let them be ground into dust. It is hard to know if every relationship is like this because everywhere I look it is either happy content couples or strong single females ready to take on the world. I prefer to be neither. What I care most about is being a mother so all things aside this is exactly where I need to be.

I can’t wrap my head around what he said to me yesterday. All I asked was help carrying a lamp upstairs so I could take a fun picture for the Pageant that I am in. I am sure if you are following along you would know. The Miss Home Sweet Home pageant where we are an Ambassador of an organization of our choice. It is important to me to do well both as a contribution to my legacy and a reminder of the pain that one is faced when it comes to losing their unborn child. I can’t express how important it is for me to do well. Not because of my grief but to serve as a way to honour the experience and to try and have an impact on others as they try to struggle and come to terms with one of the most difficult times in their lives. The group I have chose is Made by Momma YYC and they supplied the meals for our month long stay while we stayed out our sons bedside at the Neo Natal unit. I stand corrected. I benefited from the meals as my husband continued to work his 12 hour days. I wonder if he knows we will never remember the times he went to work but the times we stayed at home playing and building on our lives. Anyways after I asked about the lamp he spouted off, “Why don’t you clean the kitchen instead of making even more of a mess.” This is how he responds every time I ask for help. His passerby attitude is just under my skin enough to give me a permanent rash. I obviously don’t need his help in my life. I just wanted to have a man in my life who is more than just the provider, I wanted a man who wanted to protect us too. The housework always gets done. It has to. Obviously I can see what needs to be cleaned. I can also prioritize my day in order to exceed my maximize efficiency. I can be more than just a housewife I can try and have a purpose too.

My husband just assumes that we get to sleep in and nap all day like life is easy and it is no big deal. He wasn’t the one cleaning the puppy messes or having to micromanage all these relationships because that is what they are. Some of these pets don’t get along with each other and I feel like my voice is permanently set on loud because if it is not I am never heard. I went through an incredible low time in my life recently and I am yet to feel the touch of human compassion. If I wanted a man who was going to constant make me feel insecure and unloved I would have married somebody 20 years ago. It is one of the hardest experiences to endure. The feeling of having no use to the world other than serve those inside this house. I try my best I feel to limit the amount of negative interaction between us. An hour before I asked about the lamp I asked him point blank if there was anything he needed me to do before I attended to my own needs. All I hope for is a peaceful family so I take the extra steps necessary to try and learn his idiosyncrasies and obscure habits and ways.

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