For as long as I can remember I was the one left out. The o ne who was just filling space or maybe it was because their mother’s told them so. I was just quiet enough to come off as weird but not quiet enough to be left alone. My awkwardness earned me the title of shy. But on the inside I was flooding from all the tears that I cried. It was almost like I knew this journey was going to get to painful so I wanted to keep others away. When I think about how I felt like I had nothing to offer anybody but how I so desperately wanted to try. I was to scared to get laughed at. I was already hated for just being me. There were times when I didn’t want to go to school. Luckily for me I had an older boyfriend who made that a possibility. Instead of cementing life long relationships I was running face first into the dirt. I knew before I even came out of the womb that my life would feel more like a sacrifice. It was up to me to see how long I thought I could last.
Everything was so painful until he walked into the room. It hurt to breath and all I wanted was to feel numb. I wanted to drink until I would never wake up again. But that all changed the day I first laid eyes on him. It is amazing how you your soul instantly recovers from decades of torture and mistrust. I never knew it was possible to feel that strongly for anybody here one Earth. I recognized him before he even entered the room. I didn’t want him to leave. No words were exchanged between us he just left and slipped away into the night. My heart hurts now just thinking of that day but only enough to make me feel alive. I think about him everyday it has kept me alive all these years. To know and hope that one day I can feel that feeling again makes me try to live my life so much better so I can be worthy of attracting such a being. I was nobody and worthless and now still here I am. I try to move movements but all I do is make a pile out of laundry and kids toys. I have accepted the fact that our paths may never cross but I hope that in another realm of time that maybe it could be a possibility. I live my life differently try to make up for all mistakes. I was bad and mean and I felt like everybody was cheating me. My chip on my shoulder was so huge I became crippled from the weight. I allowed all the You have the opinions of everybody else defining me until I finally broke free and ran away.
My son, my beautiful baby boy came to me in such a dramatic way. Of course he had to come into this world a little bit differently he had something that he needed to say. I have always believed that when I passed on for those 12 minutes I met with some pretty incredible people. I am talking about my friends and family who are waiting for me on the other side. If they didn’t make me believe that I still had a purpose here I probably would have closed my eyes and drifted away. What I would give to be able to live in that memory for just a quick stay. So here I am more aware of how are actions affect each other. I don’t want anybody to shed a tear because of something I have said or worse yet something I have done. Now I have crawled back into the shadows because the light is becoming too bright. The scrutinized light that others like to dissect us under trying to find a problem, pick a fight. It is too hard talking to others because they all have an ulterior motive you can see it in their eyes. There are some nasty women out there that I would have a hard time calling a woman. We spend so much time categorizing the who, why and the what now that we have failed to keep our own worth. Why are we chasing these people who wouldn’t look at us sideways if we were on fire and they had to pee. I fear being in that room of people who would throw you under than try to help rescue you and set you free.
What becomes of the friends, of the friends of our enemies do you keep them around or do you block and delete. We are so social in our media but not face to face. Can we get rid of somebody who is toxic in an attempt to set proper boundaries? Nobody who wanted to be your friend would want to be friends with somebody who hurt you. Nor does somebody who hurts you and talks bad about you truly wants to be your friend. A real ride and die would never turn their back on you and feed you to the lions so you become stalked prey. A real friend stands in front of you and does everything in possible from you getting hurt. When you find yourself in evil company it is not enough to turn away. You have to caught off the umbilical cord and stop feeding them and turn and walk away. At the end of the day you have to become so strong that you can deflect these dips in the road no problem. They will always be there something will always come up but if you can identify the problem than life should become easier at least for that moment. I have spent so much time staring in I no longer recognize that I am not included. I have learned to be kind and gentle to myself because that is always needed. And I learned more than likely when you do the right thing and you are scared of sticking out that that is when you find yourself as the odd one out.