Heart Broken and Numb

Between you and me. I am barely hanging on. I am screaming for somebody to notice me but mentally I get the wind taken out of me once again. It’s so much more than being told to clean the kitchen and to for me to stop making a mess. It’s the way I haven’t felt love from another in over a year. My so doesn’t count. He is my love growing outside of me. He is the only reason why I bother getting up at all. Imagine having little support. I am a mom always with a husband who sleeps his life away. It’s hard to share what I am thinking. I know what you all are going to say. You see I was a granted a second chance at that life thing. When I came back I came back as a mom. Everything felt so perfect as everything became just right. That lil 3 pound miracle was every blessing I have ever been searching for. I couldn’t ignore the tug though of the daughter I lost long ago. Plus I wanted Schmoo to have a sibling. That was very important to me don’t you know. To have the chance of having somebody go through life with you. Almost ensuring you would never grow up alone.

Why would I allow to be spoken this way. When did I become so numb. My priority became my son not me. When I loved him more than I ever loved me. I was always the disposable one. Case and point. What stay at home mom likes to have it thrown in their face they don’t have an income only because that is what they agreed. “I make more money. I can work more over time” and all that BS that comes with. What a nightmare. Today I asked if I could borrow $2 to make a $25 purchase off of Amazon. Of course it’s a big deal and I said that’s ok I could just use $2 from Child Tax. “What is it called child tax? Isn’t it for the child?” At the risk of sounding foolish I have been playing one of those game loyalty things to earn money for a ph soil tester and a pair of stockings for pictures. I don’t have spare time I live in a zoo. Other than caretaker I have no value. Did you ever get pushed so far into a corner you forget about you and close yourself off from the rest of the world. Breathing hurts. Crying hurts. Doing anything but live in the present hurts until he opens his mouth and says something that kills. I feel dead inside when he is around but right now all I can think about is being here for my son. I can’t imagine a day without him in my life and I know one day it needs to be a possibility but not now he is too young. There are so many things that I need to teach him because only I truly have his best interest at heart. I need to learn everything I can and be everything I am in such a short period that truly at the end of it all do I have time to waste around listening to his words when all he is going to do next is fall asleep. Don’t listen to those that only want to forsake you even the ones you keep closest to your heart. He is lucky I am not who I used to be because there is no way I would put up with this shit at least not for long. My heart is broken and I am numb but only because he has forced me to finally open my eyes and see. Although we are a family he isn’t my true love and I have more than enough proof to prove that neither am I. When you truly love somebody, madly and all completely you wouldn’t want them to cry as much as I do. I am thankful for my son who keeps my head above water as I struggle to get through this very difficult and confusing time.

Mentally I am drained. Spiritually I am destroyed. I can’t imagine being intimate with this man. He keeps saying these awful things telling me it is all just a joke. I wanted to meet my daughter and she was right there inside of me but unlike me she just couldn’t hold on. More confusion to add my son is so perfect he makes my heart just burst at the seems. If he is so perfect than maybe the DNA is right I just have to get past all that was said. My heart chips away to nothing as I relive all the reasons why I am not worthy of love. I never meant to hurt anybody with some of the choices I made I was full heartedly being blindly led. I don’t want to love anyone anymore. At least in that way. Something inside me died when she left.

I am failing at everything. I don’t know what to do. I could clean this house until my fingers turned blue. There is one thing for certain I am not worthy of love my body is becoming devoid of all pride. All I am is a mother and I want to be my best. I can’t stop doing housework because I am depressed. All I think about is climbing under the covers and waiting for it to be over but than my little man laughs and my heart explodes. I have to be his mom no matter how hard it gets no matter how many times my cries are ignored. That’s another reason why I have drawn so deep inside myself because I don’t know what else I could say. My relationship is over that is becoming obvious. What man tells his wife she is worthless then has the audicity to go sweep the floor. Staring through him looking at the person I want to be I say nothing and turn and walk away. This man maybe my husband but it is time to take my heart back and put it far away. I believe I had loved one man a long time ago and I cast him far away. I guess when you shun the advances of true love you leave your heart forever a stray.

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