Be the person you were born to be before they took away your smile. One minute you were living carefree an the next minute you were a bundle of nerves too scared to breathe or open your eyes. You no longer cared to venture out into the world and see what it is you could see. You were either shivering alone in the corner or becoming something else you didn’t recognize and didn’t want to be. Inside each and ever one of us is the propensity to do great evil. We could also do great good but never at the magnitude that any else could recognize so what would be the point if nobody else could see. How many times were we made to feel not good enough, not pretty enough, too fat, too skinny, too tall you name it we became it but worse of all we became here. We became the girl who lost her smile or maybe it was because we were too scared. But somehow along the way we became too scared and started living differently. We took our lives for granted and lived vicariously because we didn’t care what side of day we woke up on if we even woke up at all.
That is what had me walking on egg shells since I was a teenage girl. I broke my dad’s heart and anybody else who truly cared. I gave it all up for the love of the bad boy but let’s be real he was never capable of love anyways. The names I was called and the shell that it was my destiny to become had me living in fear for the most part and it suppressed me in ways nobody can truly appreciate or understand. I had no real girlfriends a that time. I wasn’t allowed. I wasn’t allowed sleep over or movies. Nothing that girl’s talk about anyways. I was the growing outcast that no good girl wanted to be friends with. I was smoking and drinking and doing drugs because that is what was expected by boyfriends if you wanted to hang out with them. I hated that life but I didn’t want to be alone. My Dad now hated me working out of town leaving us all alone. I think that its why it is so important to keep up this somewhat charade of a happy existence. Yes I am scared that he might fall into this trap that we are in but that is why I am trying so hard to resist it. I mean it is not like we can be living in the throws of passions all the time anyways, right. Maybe that is what is the downfall the persistent pursuit of lust and sexual gratification. Maybe that is what has us constantly chasing it.
Being that girl who can genuinely smile is more than just finding a circle of good friends. It is knowing that you are safe in their company and out of it. The power of gossip, bad intentions of evil hearts can never be ignored. Jealousy and rage have a lot to do with our insecurities and they feed obscure passions. If you find yourself in company where they are taking ill of others you can be for certain they are talking about you too if you allow them an opportunity or an opening. The twists and tales that they tell are important to only those that believe their lies because they are more than capable of doing the same. Listen to the bile that makes it’s way to you. Know that a real woman would never talk like that or lower their standards so low. We become the company we keep so that’s why I keep many at least at an arm’s length away. I don’t want no drama I want to live carefree ans free. To worry about what may or may not be coming next is something that is very much not me. I know who I am in and out of the light. I have relinquished my demons amd set my soul free. Who I once was I no longer have to be. I only become her when you believe the tales being told about me.
I need to become her, the girl with the smile, because that is what he knows me to be. He will never know her. Just who she was and how it is that I became to me. All my hardships and heartaches might become his guiding light as he navigates his own ship at sea. I might not always be with him but I can help guide him and acquire common sense can’t I. Don’t I need to have faith that he will make better choices than me without interfering in anyways. Isn’t that what truly helps us be all that we can be? Proper guidance and developing of intuition, isn’t that truly the heart of the stay at home mom. Who does my child become if he is only awake with me for 2 or 3 hours of the day? Is he a little version of me, my husband or namesake or some one else’s well wishes and desires. I need to be the strong smile my husband comes to know as we face together obstacles as a family. He will learn from his mistakes and all I can do is wait as I watch for the inevitable to unfold.
My son deserves a fighting chance free of the weight and poisons that we have been force to know. It is humans that are the evilest species, we bring the grotesque to life. We witness so many horrors that bend and twist or mind and ignore anybody who we may encounter who contest us. We wallow in our grief and marinade our pain until our wounds become so gloriously weak and tender. We define ourselves by our pain and allow it to hold ourselves back as we forget any and all purpose to our miniscule lives. That should be what gets us. One minute we are here living and dancing through life then the inevitable happens and we vanish far into the night. Before you go I know I want to know you and that comes from a place that is innocent and pure. I never regretted a minute I took getting to know new people I only regret how long I spent looking backwards. All it took was a good honest look in the mirror and a willingness towards falling back in love with myself to find myself making my way back ❤❤