The Monster in Me

Today is the day I broke. I couldn’t stop from breaking as the tears overcame me and washed away my voice. I fall asleep crying. I wake up crying until my son awakes and I have to put it all aside. Learning how to function so others thought I was normal just took away my pride. Every day I try to convince myself I am worthy of a good life but then I realize I have nothing left to share or even give. I remember being shy, then I remember being broken. All I wanted was somebody to love me for the horrible mess that I have become. I know I am a baby killer. My heart stops from the memory. I still see his face looking down at me as he looked into my eyes and told the nurses I was waking up. I hear the tools they used and see the disgust in the nurses eyes. I was a baby too. Please don’t let mine die.

Men seem to think it is over when the sedatives wear off and you wake up from a nightmare that only you will feel and remember. What man says they are proud of you for killing a baby like you can just easily forget and walk through life. I became the pain that all others ignored as I just became someone going through the emotions, trying to survive. What if I killed the best part of me all those years ago. My heart, my soul, my life has become nothing until my son was born. I can’t believe that fate tried to take him away too. Am I that horrible of a person that I am not worthy of validation?  I was hurting. I was the 13 year old slut that most boys just laughed at. I wasn’t a virgin and I was frigid as hell. I was too scared of intimacy just to be told I wasn’t worthy of and made fun of and laughed at and lead astray. I turned to alcohol because becoming numb felt better than listening to what others had to say. I didn’t have a drinking problem as it was very easy to get blacked out drunk. I was the girl being laughed at at parties and had my head smashed into porcelin because who doesn’t like watching a girl getting smashed.

Today I woke up excited to find a professional who maybe understands. I did horrible things because I felt justified after having the same things done apon me. I am the one whose supposed best friend broke into my parents house at 19 with my ex bf the love of my life. Imagine my horror as my best friend and her new best friend were all snuggled up to my ex. More justification of my value, worthless to all and the brunt of most jokes. It felt like everybody around me was happy with friends and families and I had none. I couldn’t even buy friends with gifts filled with meaning all they wanted was cigarettes and alcohol and then they would disappear away.

I am stunted by the experience and haunted by the memories. I spent a lifetime trying to tell my baby how sorry I was and how much I missed her. I became pregnant by a man who didn’t even recognize me. He was my husband but to him I was just this woman who cared for his family. I wasn’t worthy of compassion or love just this vicious cycle of torment and insults. I sit here knowing that it’s me that I am not worthy. My friend had her baby the other day and she chosen the same name as I would. The same name I called my own unborn bean till I was told she didn’t have a heart. My heart shattered, I got sick but I was horrible to her when I knew her back in the day. I was jealous of her happiness and her carefree smile. My insides were on fire with rage. Everybody’s life is perfect and I am that hideous creature always looking in on the outside. Maybe I will just cry forever. I wonder if maybe my tears can wash away my pain. I was a monster. I am a monster incapable of love. The only thing that keeps me above ground is the love I have for my son. I love him more than any pain I can ever endure.

There are fleeing moments when I wished it was all over but in an instant I remember my son. I love him so much more than any hate that was ever spewed at me. More than the times my husband shows no affection towards me and how he now sleeps on the couch. Karma is a spite filled lady and she is content to bringing me too my knees. I accept ownership of those I hurt and I long to be forgiven. I am alone in my madness with this life I have created. There is no peace for me and everything I do is wrong. I could have the house immaculate but there is always something I forgot. I am scarred by the permanent egg shells embedded in my feet. The barking dogs, fighting cats and screaming toddler has driven me insane. Add in all the ways my husband tells me I am a failure and need to improve my ways and I am ready to move on from this life, I am tired of doing wrong. There will be a time when I am longer needed and it is that time in my life that I fear.

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