I knew along time ago it was important to write down my feelings. Not because I was trying to hurt anybody but because I had a longing for somebody to understand me. Speaking my truth has been healing for me. Some people have taken things I wrote too seriously and either related to something I said or recognized it in somebody else. The truth is not slander. It’s all just relative facts. I can’t help that you hate what I reflect back on you. I can only share with you what I know and how I feel considering all the facts. I don’t need to surround myself with those that don’t understand me. It’s your colours that confirmed with me who you are and not the other way around. I hate how it feels being shunned because I want to use my voice. I have spent 4 decades of being made to feel not good enough and here we go again. My feelings are invalid and to you I am a waste of time. It is funny how when the abused gets the courage not to be a victim the tormentors come out in full force.
People are mean and they only want what naturally benefits them and if they can barry another…well they will take it as a win. I have never been scared in my truth. I don’t waiver in my mindest. Not anymore anyways. Maybe before. Sure so many don’t like the brutually honest approach because it can no way benefit them. I prefer it. It can no longer be twisted and manipulated to suit their needs because I have taken away that power from them. I don’t speak to anybody anymore. Especially about close matters of the heart. This is my only outlet with this outside world. Once I let out what is tormenting me then I can finally be set free.
Bullies love to interject and interfer and try to kick you when you are down. The cold hearted snake in them shows little to no reaction as they gobble up their prey. They don’t recognize the cries are even feel the cold, salty tears. They are shielded by their arrogance that has sheltered them throughout the years. Why I continue to speak out is because there is no way I am the only one. I see these people and watch what they do. I feel their attempts of trying to defeat me but what they are doing is obvious. They look for any window opening to let their bile over take me. If I back down from what is being said and done then I die inside a little each time. I have and always will be for the underdog, no bullies need apply. I think that is why I mirror back the perceptions of others and why they all too often don’t like what they see.
All too often their heads swell in the company of like minded individuals as they attempt to be all that they can be. They will talk down about others while singing the praises of others like it is no big deal to them either way. I don’t need to surround myself with these types of people. It devalues my own self worth. What if I was the only one who enjoys my company does that mean I should change? Is that who I am? Somebody who conforms to the pre conceived perceptions of me or do I take a deep inhale, dig in my heels and go forth along my way? Should we worry about those who only worry about us when they have nothing better to do or do you call them out on their character just like they tried to do to you? Why give into your tormentors? Why allow them to win?
Even the bullied becomes the bully under the right circumstances. It is hard stop the furry that comes after being antagonized enough. There is only so far one can get pushed into the corner before their survival instincts kick in and they start to fight back. I think the fight grows even more when you look out into a sea of what used to be your friends holding the torches and pitchforks trying to draw you back. I know my truth, their truth and the truth we portray to the world. In simple ironic fashion none of these are ever the same. I don’t want to become a diluted version of myself too scared of having a differing opinion than everybody else. What is the sense of continuance of living if we are replicating someone else.
Those who don’t take the time to know you for who you truly are aren’t worth the time anyways. I maybe jaded but that doesn’t take away from me wanting to know good people. I am open to everybody but I shut myself when I get that feeling. Our instincts are rarely wrong if only we would listen. Who knows you better than you and you should care just as much too. It is not so much about how many friends you have but in the company you keep. Those who got satisfaction out of destroying others are the ones we should fear.