Heal to Live Again

When I chose to live with an open heart it was because I was tired of having my words used against me and worst of all the words I didn’t say as well. If I said something it was because I meant it. If I expressed concern it was because I felt it. I was growing tired of my frail minority getting in the way. As a white stay at home mom we get lost in and amongst the chaos. If we speak out we are exercising our elitism if we remain silent we are engaging in the same. We can’t win for trying and it always seems we are getting in the way. I feel like I am getting dragged behind all these people because of my sex and ethnicity. There is no way I could have an ounce of compassion because I was not there I don’t know what it was like. I can appreciate and recognize that the tales of your family are apparently more severe than mine, but that is if we look at the last two hundred years. Digging deeper throughout the sands of time there has been great horror bestowed against our families and it has all been handed down by the upper class.

Why do you think so many jumped at the opportunity to own another human being and to lead on with an iron fist and a stronger will. How else do you prove to your enemy that the same blood courses through your veins and you ae worthy of breaking bread at their tables. Some of our families would have been just as scared seeing the horrors unfold and not knowing what to do. They played on our own ignorance and free will to survive and of course to provide for our next of kin and offspring too. These barriers of segregation were set up long ago to prevent a dominant lower class from rising up and taking over, possessing what god and natured intended. If life was about dollars and gold, and gasoline and the waste of fossil fuel all these things would have been right here at our disposal to use. We praise the latest inventions without knowing the resources it took to invent such a thing. Lives are wasted and some lie still as they never realize the importance or lack there of of what they just made. The things that are important to us, or should be most, we haven’t revolutionized on. We still hate our neighbours like it is our right. Should we recycle today or maybe put off till tomorrow just let me finish this one last tv marathon than I will get off the couch. This pandemic thing wouldn’t have been so severe if we were all doing the right thing. the right thing to do is the feeling of gratitude interwoven into each day and if you can share that feeling with another than you are well on your way.

What I miss most is the feeling of community, a friendly smile or a helping hand. When you can get out for a walk around your neighbourhood and feel like you are getting to meet with old friends. There are so many of those competing for some sort of feeling that I will never fully understand or see. I stopped giving those direct access to me and my feelings. So many times I hear you are over taking my boundaries or you are upsetting me. If I am saying something that is hurtful it is only in defense of what was sad to me. I never go out with the intentions of hurting another. Society today makes it so the lone wolf is too scared to say anything out loud. When you say anything, anything at all they will take that opening and twist it to their liking and twisted in such a way that they can use it for their gain. Betrayal in my eyes is something now that can’t be forgiven. How can I trust the next knife in my back won’t be plunged deeper? I saw the joy in your eyes as you dug in and kicked sand in my eyes. Hell has no furry like a woman scorned unless it is one that has been brought down to her knees. When you have spent most of your life hunched over somebody else’s dreams because you were made to believe yours were unattainable you begin to see the world in a different light. Not all those in your company are your friends and well wishers some are around just so they can try and make you fall.

The last year was a struggle made worse by a few. My engaged selection of reading wasn’t damning enough for some and I was told that my opinion would have no weight. Unless I engaged in material more current that addressed what was truly going on my view point was seen as ignorant like their mental mind was more well off. Knowledge in any capacity is power and it is available for all to use. I couldn’t imagine about learning about a time through the eyes of someone that could have easily picked up the same books as me. I was reading books written from the 1800 and I am very grateful I had the opportunity to do that. Yes times were different but that is where we fall short from truly understanding. Who was at fault for imposing their racist, bigot behaviour and can we really blame all those during that time period for blindly falling suit. Those that made their ways to purchase slaves and land and the American dream did so because they were told that it was the right thing to do. You don’t know how it is they ended up to be where they were. However we painted them all with the scarlet letter for being born just the same. A fearful heart is capable of doing grotesque and fearful things. Not every Nazi soldier wanted to kill but they did so because they wanted to survive. I am not trying to excuse away the pain or say that the score is clean and it is time we are all treated equal. I am trying to say that enough is enough we have all been wronged and now it is time to lay down our arms and stop fighting amongst each other. I am tired of watching those get shunned for asking questions trying to understand the purpose and place that is their life. I am thankful for my voice and the opportunity to express it even if it only just resonates between one or two. I feel that deep inside of all of us we can be the voice of reason and change if only what we had to say stopped falling of deaf ears. We just need to find each other amongst the chaos so we can heal and live again.

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