How do you get the Universe to forgive you for all the shitty things you have done. Why have you cursed me? Why do you make me live this way? I don’t know how to forgive myself when you are constantly kicking me down. Leaving me lonely and dazed and confused. For every good thing that I have done there are negative consequences that tend to not affect me but everyone. How many different ways can ones heart break? Feelings that linger, a heart that has almost reached it’s limit no more can it take. For all the things that I have become I hate the monster that allowed me to be. The part that prevented me from living, feeling. From my soul finally being set free. Gravitating towards nothing, this black sea abyss it is hard to feel tortured when my life has been seemingly bliss. Blissful because my pain pales in comparison to others. My heart longs to heal them, validate their existence and let them know I understand their story and their life that seemed to be only a curse. Everybody tries to interpret what it is they think they understand then they cut off the truth because they can’t see past their own hands. How many secrets have been buried and never been brought to light. Think of the lives that just vanished and in time so did their next of kin. All traces of their life here on Earth wiped out non existent. There is a reason why when there is a tragedy we say just shout their name. We are shouting for them to hear us in the heavens so there life wasn’t in vain. You will never understand so maybe it is time we stop resisting. Life is for us all I will never stop insisting.
So I have to turn and think although this feels hard and suffocating and damn near impossible I know that in the larger scheme of things people survived way worse. Sure I am thankful for the lives that were reduced t deplorable standards. Diseased, bed ridden, tortured, beat so another man can feel more satisfied. We should always question those in charge who want to pervert and contort the basics of humanity. Even those who see nothing in the animals we keep and feed ourselves with. So I appreciate this life but I sure don’t appreciate this existence. Everybody is guilty of doing the exact same thing but few only see the lies once they are finally exposed. Why are we now pointing fingers at a monarchy that has always been white. There is a reason why they have always held their esteemed blood line so high. Now because it is right for us we want to through shade and demand the world to change after millions of years of being the same. This isn’t the way to be productive. To betray all those that you deem to be unworthy when all of a sudden you find yourself standing on the other side of the line. Why now do you demand things to be done differently? Why not before is it because you can see the hate and fear being born in our children’s eyes. Life used to be fun now we can barely run free as we wait for a solution to be handed back down. I am guilty of adding to other people’s misery but no longer will I do so because I see what it has done. I don’t want to look at my existence and hold my end in shame when I could have changed it a million other times along the way. I don’t want to cast my head downwards anymore or stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. I am passionate about the living and trying to do good deeds.
There is such a pull downwards that it is hard not to fall. I would rather try something than nothing at all. I have fallen and failed more times than I can count but never have a failed so much. To erode my character my anger started to mount. Although there is depth inside each and ever day that taunts you and torments you trying to pull you away. It is hard to be happy such and incredible task. Moving through life transparently you wonder how long it will last. There are those that will never like you or see eye to eye. There are those that will always get off when you cry. It is hard to try and see the blessings in everyday especially when the undertow gets to fierce and tries to carry you away. If life were so simple what would we even take away from that. Some lives barely even getting a start their footing seemed crack. We are still lucky to be alive in this time…I think. But maybe it is because I am still blinded by the true terrors of the world. Who are we when we get off on watching so much furry and pain. There is a market for our children, for murder anything it seems is game. Why are we forced to walk amongst so much evil? People must have to pay for the sins against nature and each other. If there was no recourse for our actions other than what a judge had to say there would be blood in he streets complete anarchy. Imbedded inside all of us somewhere has to be some kind of common sense. Some pathways become severed after to much wear the wrong way. I used to care about so much what other people think and in some ways I still do however I learned to be kinder to myself and appreciate even the smallest blessings. The trials in our life do help shape us into a form of ourselves that we were always destined to be. By opening our hearts we allow others to see. It is enough to be gentle and kind but start with yourself and nurture your own mind. It is something so simple as being loving and kind. Betrayal in yourself becomes a quick killing poison forsaking all those you love and taking your spirit away with it.