I have come to realize my trigger comes in the presence o f other women. Long ago I assumed it was men but I have been recently pushed into the light. Men have always showed their true colours upfront and forth right but women, women like to infiltrate your psyche and erode you from the inside, at least this has been my experience with them. My fear of abandonment came from not being included, being lied to and being made to believe that my friends cared about me after all. My harsh reality that I have been forced to face was that I was just the supplier of alcohol and cigarettes and every once and awhile my parents car. That is all I ever was to these so called friends. Somebody else to pass the time with until somebody better comes along. Am I surprised that it has followed me into my adult life, not at all. I am just tired of the vultures waiting to feed on my corpse instead of them wishing I had a nice day.
My personality is strong that doesn’t mean I should be passed over. It is just what I wear on the inside to keep me feeling alive. I am so awkward now in the way I perceive people.. Are you a friend or a foe or am I never to know unless I irritate your bad side like a heat rash. All I ever wanted was a real friend. Somebody who wouldn’t give up on me when I no longer fit their ideal mold. I am far from perfect and I am super emotional I think that is something that scares most people off. I am not scared to say what my heart feels because even when you say what they want to hear they will still cast you aside. It is so weird to me to be in the company of women and listen to them bash somebody else not in their presence I would rather stay home then listen to that noise. If somebody says did you hear what so and so said about you all I hear is I said that too. There is no reason for things to ever get that far. Being in the company of those that you know that have gossiped about each other and worse yet about you is just some place I would rather not want to be. Maybe that is why I chose to be wear I am most loved in my own company no words will ever find me here.
So I am finding it is the women who are triggering me and not the men who have abused me or belittled me. Men I expected that behaviour but with the women I thought they would be more like my mom. When I told them about losing my baby I would have expected love and support not called a baby killer and laughed at and pointed at and made to run away and hide. When I told them about an abusive boyfriend I thought they would have taken my side instead of going to bed with them in spite of me trying to take what I had. I was the one left in the bar while others went to after parties because they no longer needed me or needed a ride. Days and months would go forward with no more words and phone calls until they were kicked aside from the others that they chose over me. I was a simple girl with a simple hear that only wanted o be loved and o love and that was that. When people can hear your heart beat they take it for granted and do things that you could never imagine or believe. They steal from their friends share secrets that were supposed to be taken to the grave and do anything else that you can imagine to succeed. At least that is how they define success on the backs on each other and that is something that I have found hard to digest. I am beyond jaded and couldn’t spot a real one if one was ever right in front of me. I do find myself to be somewhat reserved because I am scared of how vicious women can be. Girls are just like that. Off to prove something at somebody else’s expense. Blame the mistress not the cheater like it wasn’t the man who instigated it all in the first place. If he had a loyal bone in his body he would have stayed put so the way we blame each other is very shameful.
Maybe it is delirium or maybe there is a grain of truth but all this time cut off from the rest of the world and you do start seeing things a little differently. I suppose that is why I thought it was important to transcribe how I felt like maybe there would be a purpose of it all at least in time eh you never know. I do keep putting myself out there in some ways but my head is just splitting of everything that has happened thus far. I have flashes of how it used to be and a gut ache of how it is now and I know there is no going back from where we came. It’s not because of anything other than true colours were shown and for me there is no going back from where you came. I poured out my heart so freely because I just wanted to connect with somebody, anybody that I obviously got thrown over board. I still believe in what I believe and stand behind my words because if I didn’t who would that make me be. I can’t hide who I am any more I did that for as long as I was alive and I hate that feeling when there are those that sit there trying to shame me and bully me into being somebody else. Should I be ashamed of my feelings, the raw guttural belly ache that comes when somebody else has been relatively shady. Your one way with me then you fly different colours with the next barely missing a beat or a step. So here I sit in silence with my heart beating out of my chest just wondering what it is you are going to try next. My heart is still very raw and ultimately broken from being