Hello? Is anybody out there or did this bubble I find myself in float away. I wanted to connect with you but my skeletons prevented me. They held me down till you walked away. You see I used to be just like you then my dreams of happiness crumbled before my eyes. I still see you, can you see me? I didn’t want to be this way but fate intervened. Robbing my of my innocence and holding my voice captive like they were one and the same. For me I connect with children much easier than their adult counterparts. Children never believe what they hear preferring to take it all in with their eyes. I am sorry I came to you so fractured there are pieces of me long forgotten that I will never see. I used to love my Dad, maybe I still do, but he hates me. I tread in shallow water because of who I was then compared to who I grew into being. Gravitating towards love and light I was hoping to be free. The truth will set you free they say unless you are somebody like me.
After years spent praying to the heavens, bartering deals and covering up my tracks I am tired of this game I am in. Unless you have had your adolescence ripped from you by teenage angst and an angry fist. Why did my friends just sit there watching me get whipped by his belt and cigarettes extinguished out on me. I am not who they say I am. Sex was never fun for me. It reminded me of what I loss. My angel watching over me 2.5 decades have past and I still wonder who she would be. If only I was strong enough to run away and keep her alive. Where would I go? Who would I be? Would I be better than who I am now? I never meant to be the one who so carelessly ended a life. My heart, my soul, my everything has been crushed under that loss.
My husband doesn’t notice me as I cry myself to sleep. All I wanted was to hold her. Now she rests in a sewer away from me. All I wanted was to feel her love and forgiveness and what I got was a slap in the face. I just want to be better and to have this stop no matter the way. My son is my lifeline and I cry as I hold him close. I synchronize my breathing with his as a reminder of how we were once one. His life is just beginning he doesn’t need a mentally confused mom. I write in the hopes that somebody will find me I am tired of feeling numb. I do at times appreciate my blessings but then they get washed away. My heart gets cut open and I feel like I am getting washed away. I never meant for any of this to happen all I wanted was to be loved. I guess my heart is not worthy of a life filled of unconditional love. My heart fears for what is in store or what is next to come. How is this even possible? How can I be the only one.
Somewhere out there the Universe thinks I am stronger. Or I am paying for my sins which are now out of my control. Constantly being passed over never meeting eye to eye. I wonder if there is somebody to love me or if I will always be passed by. I try to fit in but I can see everybody laughing. Why do this? Why me? Please stop these tears from crying. They tell me to be bigger, bolder, wiser and to become all the love that you need. What I need is somebody to love me and convince me to be all that I can be. Lost amongst the undertow I hope my voice will still carry to those souls lost like me. For every moment I think I can’t no longer I have to find a way. Please if you are out there, please take my outstretched hand I long for a companion someone who understands.
I guess I am not one for the world as I am sure the world hates me. I have done things I am not proud of in fact they fill me with such shame. So in a way I am glad nobody notices me so I don’t have to explain away the pain. So many have told me to do the right thing and take my own life. End my own suffering and free others into the light. My pain has long defined me and I am yet to find a way. I will never forget the feelings of being ultimately betrayed. Led down a hallway of darkness never making it to the other side. The faces of my tormentors coming to life every night I go to bed. How I wish somebody could understand me and realize how it is I felt. The only one who tried was the woman who conducted my exam. She tried to give me her strength and courage to use a long the way. She never treated me like the slut my friends shamed me as a roofied drink along the way. She a breast cancer survivor and me well you know who I am, the girl time should have thrown away. I miss my innocence the most I go back to those time most. Dancing in a field of hope where I hope others will come and join me. I am not who they want me to be. I was just looking for love. Was it my fault I was always good enough to look at but never good enough to keep. Looking back at who I was and who I wanted to be there is wasted years of nothingness where I was terrified to just be. Terrified of never finding love or being condemned to walk this life alone.