I always tend to slow my mind. Or maybe it is speeding up. Either way I look for similarities in the here and now and try to match them up with the past. I look for stories that mirror mine in the hopes that I might get some insight for what my future may hold. History always repeats itself. Energy gets looped the same. We are destined t live the same life over again if only we could slow enough and analyze what it all means. Dissect the first formation of feelings and have you ever felt them again. Can you remember your first pulse quicken or how it felt like it was going to beat right out of your chest? I remember my first crush, my true love, the boy I would have done anything for. When I first laid eyes on him he was as handsome as a movie star. All the girls fell for him and I think he “dated” most of them. As much as Grade 5’s dated back then. I was far too shy to say anything. I would just look at him and stare. I love the feelings I feel for him when I think of such an innocent time back then.
Being scared and timid you don’t really go chasing after most boys. What happened to the shy girls they get gobbled up by bad boys. The boy that found me suffocated me to know ends. He controlled my movement and he even controlled my friends. It was a surreal experience actually to think of how it happened. No sooner had I watched him smash a 3 year old into his wall he was moving into my parents basement. He was that good with his manipulation. My only chance at freedom was at school because he was forbidden. He only attended school half of the day and for the most part didn’t go. I have no idea why my parents let him stay with us other than I think it was because they thought I would run away. Crazy thinking isn’t it? But they had no idea his violent ways. He would bruise and bite me in spots that you could easily hide. Most of it came when they were in the shower. Like every abuser of a 13 year old girl you ask yourself why didn’t I say anything? I was scared of what he would do when my parents weren’t around. What he would do to me, to my sister. he was a very violent guy. I promise there is a reason for sharing all this if you just keep on reading.
My lifeline at that time was that sweet lil boy from grade 5. Like a knight in shining armour he came in and lead the way. I know what you are thinking how quickly I went to a knew guy. You have to remember I was also outcast. It took a long time before I was intimate with men in that way again after all that happened but there is a connection here and soon I will make it. He checked in on me and cared for me in so many ways. But after a bit the reality sinks in and remember what your ex made you to be. You were a sinner, a demon you were somebody else’s waste and decay. It began to sink in just who I was and in that moment I knew that I was not good enough for him not now not ever. When you cast away someone you love after what somebody else has done you rob yourself of the life experience that some of us spend our whole lives searching for. I want to speak out because we can’t define ourselves by the way somebody else abused us. We were never garbage, good for nothings, ugly, we were just kids, I was only a teenager. Through no fault of my own I carried around so much shame. I remember people telling me you are so pretty you could have anybody you want. You are educated and smart and you went to school. And in my mind I roll my eyes and think who the hell do they think I am. I still look at myself and want to cast myself away. I have hated myself for so long because of the scars I was forced to carry. So here I am saying to any girl who was forced to chase away their prince. It is ok darling now because those titles never defined you.
So if history repeats itself I think I was just given a gift. The signs that I look for I think have just crossed for me. aligned for me. There is significance in 7 weeks because that is the date I lost my babies both in this time and the last. From what I am to believe is that because of such a short gestation one can not conclude that the heart had even started.. There is significance in that just like there is in the next. My prince from grade 5 wouldn’t you know he checked in on me. 3 decades ago he came into my life and now here he is. Not in that sexual way but in the I wonder what could have been. He will always be my first love and for that he will have a special place. Both in my heart and in my mind. What it meant when he reached out to me was very iconic in a sense. Almost like I am destined to live the same life again but maybe this time I can learn from past mistakes. It’s like he is telling me that I am still god enough and I was good enough before. That those things that were out of my control are not my fault and it is time to let it go. The burden I carried for all these years told me I was never going to be good enough. I heard his insults echo long after he was gone and I heard it in the voices of other people. I spent my whole life looking for love and like before it was right in front of me. What makes me complete is how I see myself and more to that it is in the company that I keep. To reduce and whisk away those moments in life that hurt me like they had never happened. Was like ripping off the band aide again when something similar did occur. I had spent a lifetime trying to love the girl inside me. What it took was a reminder that who I was then is still me no matter what life seems to throw at her.