As a little girl life was relatively easy. I loved my family, the fields I grew up on and nature. I loved nature and all the blessings that come with such tranquil moments. Hours were spent playing by the creek, picking flowers and trying to catch tiny little minnows. When all that fresh air got to us we would scamper off to Grandma’s house to see what was for lunch stopping along the way to catch the chickens and check if they had eggs. There was no tv, internet or other ways to keep us distracted. We were committed to the simple way of being out here nothing really touched us. There was a giant rock that I would go out and sit on. It came out of the ground when my dad was digging out the foundation for our new house. There were no secrets in those walls but how I wished there had been. I was fascinated with all the lives lived before us all those stories captivated me. There used to be this run down shack just on the property line of where we lived. In my mind I knew there was nothing but my heart longed for some family secret that has never made it to the light. Every life I had a passion to get to know even at an incredibly young age. I don’t know what came over me but I felt comfort in my friend ghosts of the past.
What if that side of us that is so obvious makes somebody so uneasy they begin to rib you and call your names. Tentatively this happened when we were younger but it can still happen even now. My heart has forever been sewn onto my sleeve. Mostly because I am tired of the indecision of whether or not somebody wants to be my friend or not. Friendship shouldn’t be something that is conditional. If you love somebody with your heart it should last until eternity. I think that is what makes it so hard for me to lay it all on the line. After being hurt by so many you get tired of the indecision and you just want a friend to hold your hand. But that is when the complications set in. Who do you decide to tell all your dark secrets too and doyou tell them all or do you hold some of them back. Are there secrets you share with one and not another because of their personal beliefs that interfere with yours. Do you find yourself catching your tongue around certain individuals because either they don’t like your humour, don’t get your humour, or you just grate on their nerves every tie you speak. Don’t you tire of the one who interrupts you and talks to you under handedly like you are just a waste of space and nothing more. What happens when all these “friends” come together inside your most favourite place. Threatening your whole identity and laughing at you just the same. Why are we ashamed of who we are and can we reclaim our identity back once again?
I was a farm girl, a daddy’s girl, a lover of all things living and breathing. What was taken from me in those moments of fragility I can get back if I just reclaim my name. Where once I was always happy my heart aches from the betrayal. It still beats a little differently from all the things said in anger and all the place we will never find ourselves again. To laugh at jokes I know that somehow were written about me breaks my heart. We were friends until it was over, I never knew how you truly thought about me. My mind bends inside out as I decide if I should grovel at your feet. Then I remember how it felt when you broke me and I know a real friend would never do that. I want to cleanse the air in front of me because there is a little tarnish in my shine. What I do for myself is to heal my pain and how it affects you should be an after though. I don’t want to minimize our lives journey and how it is we came to a crossroads a virtual impact. The problem with the internet it seems is words are lasting forever and virtue right along with it.
Just because we hurt doesn’t automatically give us the right to intentionally go on and hurt others. When we lower ourselves to these standards we open a gateway for additional torment and pain. One because in the heat of the moment most things are over romanticized to appease our fury and the other is because who wants to be known as the emotional tyrant devoid of all feelings. My passion for my life gets skewed with the passion of others. I want others to live their best lives even if it is at my expense. Of course like a positively charged ion I react but I am getting better. There is nothing worth not reacting too if it ignites something deep within us. Wherever our passion lies it makes the most sense to try and tie them in unison. Without even knowing I built up a steep fortress. I began keeping others away trying to predetermine their true intentions. I have heard so much chatter that it still rings in my ears. I wonder how longer it will take before I recognize a true friend that is near. Maybe we are all guilty of talking mindless chatter amongst each other because that is what hens do? Could you imagine what they would talk about if they didn’t have each other. I guess it depends on the context or whether or not they keep you in the loop or out of it. Words have the ability to build us up or conquer. I need to remind myself that not every battle is a war and not every conversation has a victim.