Journey to Self Love

I miss good people. I miss being pregnant too but like the ways of passage everything seems to dissolve into nothing at least common decency was the first to go. It is hard for me to feel accepted in the land of sabre tooth smiles and shark bites. I only played the game out of fear of what would happen to me not because it was something I wanted to be or do. There are so many times throughout the day where I stop myself and ask myself how can I stop the world from taking the turn that is destined to do. How can we make others see that the pride that they feel is actually disconcerting to those that are unable to find theirs. For years I tried to fit in playing by the rules they had set out for me and maybe that is where it all started to go wrong. I was born free to be the child I was destined to be. A free open heart looking for those hearts that have been shunned away from society. I feel your heartbreak. It is the underlying chord that lulls the world to sleep. I hear you and my heart recognizes too. If only there was a way to find you so our hearts can hum in unity.

As women we have been pitted against each other. Looking for wealthy husbands or a viable mate. We don’t care too much who we trample on as long as we come out victorious in the end. We still do it today even though we are in the era of woman empowerment and liberation that tells us we don’t need to have children or to ever take a husband we still get satisfaction after destroying another young women. Convince me otherwise. Friends easily become foes if they think it is for their ultimate gain. They will wash their feet in your well of enlightenment and never talk to you again. It is trivial the way women minimize your pain while focusing on something that has no tangible meaning. I think that is where I struggle. My heart is pinned vibrantly on my sleeve and those in close proximity see that and use it for their own gain. In these moments of confined mental torture I wonder if there is a gin from keeping this kind of company at all. I want my life to mean something. Not be reduced to ashes after all.

I knew it was a dicey road when I decide to begin opening messages. There is nothing in them that my eyes need me to read. I opened my heart too early instead of comforting myself with my family and pain. We are on this roller coaster going nowhere that is picking up speed. I never liked this movement or when my end game has gotten taken away. Instead of mourning I put myself on public display. I thought it would make my heart heal faster and chase away the pain. I am a shell of a woman from where I once was. Being broken was so easy. It was far easier than trying to make any life long friends. There are those that would hold on forever making all my bad feelings pass. The thing when it comes to my mania is I don’t want anybody to be dragged down under to my depths. I get confused if I am worthy, I haven’t discovered all that yet. I know that I am different from most such incredible raw emotions I can feel. Even now as I write I can look out the window and I am relatively free outside of the bounds of motherhood and caring for all these animals can mean. My favourite heroine of all time has become Miss Anne Frank. To live the last few years of your life under scrutiny especially a teenager like her coming into bloom. Whatever my pains in this life are they are nothing compared to the beautiful life she still lived even towards the end. I can’t imagine knowing that death was coming as bugs fed on my skin and then watched my sister die before my eyes. Humans did this to her and to millions of others. Humans just like you and me. I can’t help believing that if we all come together that we can end all this sadness. Couldn’t we? Isn’t their more kindness than evil or have we washed that all away too with the competitive spirit of who is better?

I think about the young girl who is just about to come into her own than to have it stripped all away. By some emotional tyrant that has her fate sealed from the time she has even learned to take her first steps. The way we dictate how it is we are supposed to be and how it is we are supposed to reciprocate our feelings. I wonder why we stay too long in places we are no longer wanted. I feel spun out into orbit with no grounding focus to take my hand. My confusion mounts to these levels that inhibits my brain from even conducting a seemingly common thought. I am tired of the banter and how it is that a whole group of women can turn on just one. I can’t help but feeling isolated now I wonder if it is from my own doing? I don’t have much to offer all I have is a version of me. A version of me I am trying to improve on but it took 4 decades of being cast away. How can I be like everybody else when my journey started out so bad. How can I be friends to anybody when my furry animals was all that I have. I guess the return to nature is what makes the most sense. Where I learned it was ok to just be and let nature take care of the rest.

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