Slanging Dirt

“Often we give up our right to renewal to accommodate the anxiety of those around us.”

I let these words move through me, I mean I real let them marinade my soul. I have been struggling lately. Mostly because what i was feeling on the inside was not matching with who I was on the outside and I was become so exhausted with the thought of facing another day. To try and find the words to help you understand why this impacted me so deeply you have to understand some of the basics s far. Losing my baby, although I still feel sad about the outcome. My heart has accepted it for what it was. A lot of the data that I have been reading states without a previous confirmation of a heartbeat it is hard to say whether or not a heart had started at all. What I find myself missing the most was the possibility of a new future, a new being to raise, love and hold. Things are not good with me and my husband. Like I said to my om things are not bad enough t divorce but not good enough for intimacy. When you are somebody who is trying to figure out their place in the World you don’t want to devalue yourself by just giving yourself away. Yes he is my husband but things were said. I think it is more a respect thing for me. Things were said yada yada so I think that has been weighing heavy on me. To have another child almost in our grasps and to have them slip through our fingers. From what I have been reading in, “The Book of Awakening” you have to be honest with your grief, honest and upfront. From the day that it happened I put my feelings into words publicly acknowledging and using my experience to heal. it feels like a lifetime since that moment but it has only been a few weeks.

A part of me felt like it was missing Pin-Up so I ventured back out into that space. It was a very uncomfortable experience for me, maybe I should have covered up my grief. Nobody likes when you public acknowledge a down time in your life but my purpose was for another reason. I wanted to normalize grief and the fact that it is more common than you think to lose a child in this way. i wanted to show a smiley face while acknowledging my pain so I can build a community built on raw trust. There were words that needed to be said by me and some of the girls and I think it was in those words that brought me to a very down place. There is no ill will between me and the other contestants in the pageant I was in. Every one of the contestants was worthy of making the top 10 and the judges picked their favourites in the end. Maybe favourites isn’t the right words but you can not argue with their decisions. The ones who made it worked very hard for their time to shine. My mental mind was beginning to crumble and I reminded myself of why I wanted to be a part. I wanted a chance to raise awareness and maybe some money for an organization that truly touched my heart. I think every one of those girls could say the same things so there is nothing but congratulations in my heart. My decision to not intrude in their space any longer came out of respect for their time.

As a mother when do you think it is the most important time to feel accepted? Could it be when you are at a park with your son? Imagine your son light up at the sight of the park so you want him to play, I can’t remember the last time I saw him play with another child. I know I am different. I dress to make me happy. I couldn’t imagine wearing black, grey and tan all day and feeling so drab. I have to mention colour because as they stood there in their pack of 6 or 7 there wasn’t a stitch of colour on them and then in enters me. Please remember it was St paddy’s Day and I just want life to be fun for my soul. And my son too but I have to feed myself first before I can take care of him right? So my son in his Spiderman sweater and grey sweats and me in knee length white and green St Paddy’s socks, goat patterned gardening shoes and a big St Paddy’s Day bow on my head. Why does this all matter? it matters because as i walked by one of the ladies said, “She looks like she stepped out of Alice in Wonderland.” I don’t know if she intended for me to hear her but her voice definitely carried along the wind. It was hard not to feel their laughter run through me as I was there for my son’s amusement and not theirs. Marinating in the above words I realized that what was said was not an issue with me but with them. I came on a walk with my son and my pup not because we HAD to but because we genuinely wanted to. I wasn’t going t let their rude pinion of me ruin my day, I resonated genuine love and positivity as I smiled from deep within. It was important for all those who heard those words spoken and understood their villainous attempt that these parents were the influence of our children and others young. A briefly danced with the notion that maybe I could cool down my outside exterior therefore eliminating these opinions and these comments but in the end isn’t this the birth of hate speech interlaced within her words.. The problem in that lies that than who I am on the inside fails to meet with who I am on the outside which is the at the center of everybody’s melancholy after all.

So with all that said the challenge for authenticity is always what is hardest for most. To imagine the audacity of a middle aged woman to speak that way about anybody like she was judge and executioner. Sorry that for once I want to match my inside. I want to be girly, carefree and happy just like my days on the farm. Not too scared of living or too scared of getting dirty. More scared of not experiencing life before hitting the dirt in the final last fall.

Pic of my St Paddys Day outfit and seperate pic of socks I added later….

St Paddys Day
And the socks πŸ’š

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Often we give up our right to renewal to accommodate the anxiety of those around us
    True words spoken Ruby, very True, and I will give you some more, if you do not mind.
    Dose not matter what the Others think,
    What Counts is Do You like You,
    You think your Drowning But you’ll Never Sink,
    Just do what you want to do”
    These words I learned back in 1987, from the 80’s Rock and Roll Band Twisted Sister, and they stuck with me, and still with me to this day, to just me True to me, Honest with Me, Just Be me, not try to be someone else because that will just leave me in Chaos and hating myself.
    Now I am getting separated, but it is the right thing for me to do, had enough abuse, etc, and not putting up with any more, but that is me, it is not you.
    I think that those women were jealous of you, that you dare to be different, to be yourself, has you said, you were there for your son, it did not matter, it only shows that these women conform to the stereotype of what they have to do, whether they want to or not, they have to, just to fit in, and I think that it is sad for them that they can not express themselves in the way we do, just to be ourselves. Yes I am a Rocker, I mainly wear Black, but I am happy with that, and I am not in a tracksuit like most around here (different Countries, different Cultures). I have been called Freak many times, but it matters not, not to me, because I am happy being who I am, (Would Love to see the Paddy Day picture.)
    Yes Her words would breed like a virus within the minds of the young, their Children, and in turn, it will carry on, but you know that your Son knows what it is to be Free, to think independently, to be honest with himself, because he learned from his Mum, because his Mum is a strong, independent Freethinking Goddess, unlike the mere mortals to scamper for scraps at each others tables, to be validated by the fake praise which the others give.
    Life is for the Living, Live it to its Fullest, How you want to Live it, not have to live it. It is Your Life, who cares what I say, or anyone else.
    Do You Like YOU? Hell YES


    1. I love your words. This is where I am still a wee bit in lingo. I need to let go of the idea of pleasing others and it is ok to live as truthful to my heart as you can πŸ’š I will post the pic at the end of the post but you have to add in my white and green socks. The pic I took for instagram was pre socks. I added the socks for the walk (I may have a pic of the socks too lol if you have instagram. I am there @sweetrubybluez.)

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I Love those Pictures, the Green Dress is Stunning, and the socks look a great Match for it. You look Stunning in that Dress, Really Stunning, only an moron would say different.
    It takes time letting go Ruby, same has with Forgiving yourself, but in time, other peoples options will matter less and less.
    I am not on Social Media, but thanks for posting them here for me. You know where I am, no strings, no motive, if you need to chat.


    1. Thank you πŸ’š


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