“Often we give up our right to renewal to accommodate the anxiety of those around us.”
I let these words move through me, I mean I real let them marinade my soul. I have been struggling lately. Mostly because what i was feeling on the inside was not matching with who I was on the outside and I was become so exhausted with the thought of facing another day. To try and find the words to help you understand why this impacted me so deeply you have to understand some of the basics s far. Losing my baby, although I still feel sad about the outcome. My heart has accepted it for what it was. A lot of the data that I have been reading states without a previous confirmation of a heartbeat it is hard to say whether or not a heart had started at all. What I find myself missing the most was the possibility of a new future, a new being to raise, love and hold. Things are not good with me and my husband. Like I said to my om things are not bad enough t divorce but not good enough for intimacy. When you are somebody who is trying to figure out their place in the World you don’t want to devalue yourself by just giving yourself away. Yes he is my husband but things were said. I think it is more a respect thing for me. Things were said yada yada so I think that has been weighing heavy on me. To have another child almost in our grasps and to have them slip through our fingers. From what I have been reading in, “The Book of Awakening” you have to be honest with your grief, honest and upfront. From the day that it happened I put my feelings into words publicly acknowledging and using my experience to heal. it feels like a lifetime since that moment but it has only been a few weeks.
A part of me felt like it was missing Pin-Up so I ventured back out into that space. It was a very uncomfortable experience for me, maybe I should have covered up my grief. Nobody likes when you public acknowledge a down time in your life but my purpose was for another reason. I wanted to normalize grief and the fact that it is more common than you think to lose a child in this way. i wanted to show a smiley face while acknowledging my pain so I can build a community built on raw trust. There were words that needed to be said by me and some of the girls and I think it was in those words that brought me to a very down place. There is no ill will between me and the other contestants in the pageant I was in. Every one of the contestants was worthy of making the top 10 and the judges picked their favourites in the end. Maybe favourites isn’t the right words but you can not argue with their decisions. The ones who made it worked very hard for their time to shine. My mental mind was beginning to crumble and I reminded myself of why I wanted to be a part. I wanted a chance to raise awareness and maybe some money for an organization that truly touched my heart. I think every one of those girls could say the same things so there is nothing but congratulations in my heart. My decision to not intrude in their space any longer came out of respect for their time.
As a mother when do you think it is the most important time to feel accepted? Could it be when you are at a park with your son? Imagine your son light up at the sight of the park so you want him to play, I can’t remember the last time I saw him play with another child. I know I am different. I dress to make me happy. I couldn’t imagine wearing black, grey and tan all day and feeling so drab. I have to mention colour because as they stood there in their pack of 6 or 7 there wasn’t a stitch of colour on them and then in enters me. Please remember it was St paddy’s Day and I just want life to be fun for my soul. And my son too but I have to feed myself first before I can take care of him right? So my son in his Spiderman sweater and grey sweats and me in knee length white and green St Paddy’s socks, goat patterned gardening shoes and a big St Paddy’s Day bow on my head. Why does this all matter? it matters because as i walked by one of the ladies said, “She looks like she stepped out of Alice in Wonderland.” I don’t know if she intended for me to hear her but her voice definitely carried along the wind. It was hard not to feel their laughter run through me as I was there for my son’s amusement and not theirs. Marinating in the above words I realized that what was said was not an issue with me but with them. I came on a walk with my son and my pup not because we HAD to but because we genuinely wanted to. I wasn’t going t let their rude pinion of me ruin my day, I resonated genuine love and positivity as I smiled from deep within. It was important for all those who heard those words spoken and understood their villainous attempt that these parents were the influence of our children and others young. A briefly danced with the notion that maybe I could cool down my outside exterior therefore eliminating these opinions and these comments but in the end isn’t this the birth of hate speech interlaced within her words.. The problem in that lies that than who I am on the inside fails to meet with who I am on the outside which is the at the center of everybody’s melancholy after all.
So with all that said the challenge for authenticity is always what is hardest for most. To imagine the audacity of a middle aged woman to speak that way about anybody like she was judge and executioner. Sorry that for once I want to match my inside. I want to be girly, carefree and happy just like my days on the farm. Not too scared of living or too scared of getting dirty. More scared of not experiencing life before hitting the dirt in the final last fall.
Pic of my St Paddys Day outfit and seperate pic of socks I added later….