The Existence of Pain

Pain and suffering only exist because we allow it too. Have you checked on it’s adversary? Sometimes I watch true crime. My reality is I think that maybe all I watch. There ere some reality shows I liked back in the day but I don’t know about your reality but mine is not staged. The more real the shows were becoming the more out of tune they actually were. Do people truly behave like that self righteous and overly entitled? Maybe they do? Maybe they are worse? Whatever the reason for them acting the way they do I have more compassion for the victims on crime tv then I do in those made for tv dramas. When I would feed our son and rock with him in our chair until he would lull himself back to sleep I couldn’t watch the murder and rape that filled the screen. The horror and depravity that humans were capable of was something I didn’t want to absorb into my son. Who wants to believe we are capable of doing such awful things? But the reality of it all we as humans are capable of really awful things which would lead into the next question what is to gain from such tv shows and what has me drawn in again?

Maybe I am addicted to the pain or maybe it is because I am drawn to being sad but what I found in the real world once an act has been acted upon there will never be a chance to go back. What will break the mind to hurt another being and what allows that other being to stay? For as long as I can remember I remember feeling that there was good and bad energy here on Earth. When I went into my years of solitude this was the basis that kept me there. I believed that as long as I stayed down others would rise up and not feel the pain that I did. I was convinced that the more hurt that I could take on the less hurt that would be out there for others to feel. I was doing everything wrong. I would drink. I would party. I would stay out late. More than likely black out. Be an active member of the workforce and do it all over again. I was not even a hot mess. I was a disaster and living with the pain was a common thing. Whatever my goal was it wasn’t working. I remember my co worker that I was working with was complaining about how she got stood up the night before. I was trying to cheer her up when in walked the guy I was seeing with a larger than life hickey on his neck that would light up the night sky, let me tell you this love wound was not from me. She noticed his neck and slapped me playfully and gave me a wink. I don’t think she heard my heart shatter on the floor but ya there it was. What man shows up at a bar where his girlfriend works for a drink looking like that? I looked him right in the eyes and got him a drink and asked him where he was last night. I think he figured out that I “saw” his trophy so he flipped his collar and finished his drink. It may have been at this time that my co-worker walked away because she could tell that what was happening wasn’t going to pretty. He explained about this party and this young girl nd who knows what else he said I didn’t care. I turned off everything inside me and listened to him finish what he had to say. Don’t classify him as a hero because it isn’t what you think He was totally the guy that thought he could have as many women as he wanted and that was his way of showing me so.

When my friend came back she asked what it was all about because I was showing no emotion on the outside. She kept asking if I was ok and if I needed anything and she couldn’t believe that that had happened. I looked at her thinking that I could try and cheer her up from her previous dilemma. I said to her that there were worse things than being stood up to which she replied if that happened to me I would kill myself. She said straight to my face if half the things that happened to you happened to me I would. Imagine hearing another person you were trying to cheer up say your life is virtually worthless. That if given the chance and your life that another person would choose to end it instead of trying to see the silver lining. I cared deeply for that guy but there is always smoke and mirrors. Underneath mine were the facts that the likelihood of us working out were slim. I was 30 and he was 21. Yes I was still serving at that age. I was a banker for 7 years and the market crash was devastating. I was a young woman straight out of University working with a bunch of married ol’ biddy’s so when fresh meat entered the branch I was treated like such. I will never forget that feeling or those words, “Do whatever it takes to keep their business on the books, WHATEVER!!” I had guys calling me from the shower. Asking if I preferred wine or vodka. Or the best ever were the men who would hit on me with their wives right there because they couldn’t understand English. If I was going to get harassed like that it was going to be under my terms and preferably without some old guy leering at me. I remember working with a bunch of college kids preparing for their future wondering what was wrong with me why was I so broken. I already lived that life they were working towards. That timeline didn’t like me and it detoured me down this road.

The pain of his betrayal only existed if I allowed it too. Of course it stung to see but at least I was no longer being used. Her words though…I am not too sure how to feel about another human being telling another that if they were them they would kill themselves. I still her her voice and the laughter in her voice just turns my stomach. I wonder how many lives she has ruined with her pessimistic outlook on life. I couldn’t imagine wanting to die because of another person not wanting me. I remember in my younger years thinking that I wanted to die but that was only because I allowed the pain to grow and live deep inside me. I do still absorb a lot of pain but I put an end to potential suffering by realizing that this moment in time that is still devastating only hurts this bad for the initial impact and every second that goes by takes me to a place of healing.

“Live for the air after pain and there will be no reason to run”

One Comment Add yours

  1. Oh Sweet Dear Ruby, you know has I do that Humans are for the most part not nice, Yes there are some of us who are good people, like you, but for the most part most are just not nice, both sexes. Rape and Murder is not acceptable, at all, and what you were told at the bank, and how you were treated, Gods men are just vile, sick, twisted, this I know. Where the Hell is the Respect for you, not just has a Woman, but has a person, a fellow human being.

    What has happened to you in the past has had me in tears, but there is no way that I would ever think of saying what your co-worker said, I really am not surprised it still turns your stomach, can I believe that people like that exist, first hand yes, for a short while longer, to treat another’s Pain and Loss is such a way is beyond sick and vile, had something like it, maybe worse, a few days ago after I read one of your posts, where you lost your little girl, from Hil. It made me sick, and I did not think that even she could be so pure Evil and Sick, but I was wrong.

    Taking another persons pain onto yourself will help them, even a little bit, it will help, but it will never really help you Ruby, but that is not the Point, is it? The Point of doing that is to make them feel better, regardless of how we are feeling, and some will use that, just to inflict more Pain on you. Narcissists and abusers do it all the time. But for you to do it, it just proves two things Darling, One, you are a Healer, natural, it is your default setting, trying to make Others better by keeping yourself down, or taking their Pain. Two Your apathy is sky high, you care more about others than yourself (I know both of these traits.) but now you have your son to think about, and switching of that channel still proves the second Point, you do not want to inflict that Horror on him.

    With Hil, there is a lot less in her past than you or I have endured, and yours is way worse than mine Ruby, so is there something which breaks the mind? sometimes, maybe, but in her case, I would say no. It is her natural default setting, same with most men, their natural default setting is not nice, you know this has I do. Sometimes the Loss of a parent, someone important may break that person, but does it make the brutal acts, like Rape or Murder acceptable? No, or we would all do it, those who have been Raped, Abused, beaten. We would all do it, but we do not, not many of us go around inflicting Pain on others regardless of what we have suffered. You are Living Proof of this Ruby, more than a few of us are Living Proof, both men and more women. So why do they stay? Sometimes they are threatened, sometimes misguided Loyalty, sometimes no where else to go. Mine is the First one, I was told that she would rather be dead, take an overdose, if I left, but now, it is different, she is happy to go, had enough of my grumpy moods (wonder why?)

    Why are you watching these? Only you can work that out Darling. Maybe it is to try to take the Pain, maybe to feel the Grief, But I think that only you know that answer.


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