To be cut off from love or to be scarred by the pain of being hurt is a crossroads we must all face. We either shed what makes us human or we embrace it full force. A condition of my father’s love was to live meekly and to never speak out of turn or use my voice. I was made to believe I should be ashamed of all that has happened to me instead of wearing it like a coat of armour to protect the world. The haunting images of my reality freezing me in time and keeping me paralyzed with fear. My whole life I wanted to be loved. I chased it. I craved it. I allowed it to be the reason why I clung on relentlessly not wanting to start over or fall in love again.
My Dad was always the king of ultimatum’s. When my parents seperated it was easiest to side with my Dad and let my mom fend for herself. It seemed to the naked eye the seperation was in her wrong doing and not to much to do about with my Dad. His biggest fear was of being alone and I think that is what drove him to the internet. Predators come alive when online knowing what to say to catch their prey hook, line and sinker. My human heart is being made to believe that I should let it go and move on. If two people don’t like each other cut your losses and forget about it. This is my Dad, he gave me life, how can he shun my existence now that his life feels complete.
It’s like none of us ever existed. He washed his hands free. He has nothing to do with any of us. He hates us all for whoever is watching to see. I can’t imagine a woman who would shun her mates family. Painting them evil so you end up focusing on her white trash instead. The apples don’t fall far from the tree. How can your offspring be content in not wondering who this mysterious man in their life. Wouldn’t your senses be wondering the exact same thing? What type of women stops a man from talking to his family? Even I have learned to be civil with his sister because I know that is what is right for everyone. I still remember my Dad’s advice, “somebody who truly loves another will take the time to do what their partner wants to do.” Are we expected to believe that 65 years of having a real family who truly loves you to be washed away by a woman with dollar signs in her eyes. I never cared about your money. What I cared about most was spending quality time with you. All the dreams I had as a child of growing up together and watching each other grow old. Having my son have a grandfather that wanted to play a part in his life. Taking him to ballgames and for ice cream and even teaching him to ride a bike. All the things I loved growing up as a child are gone for my son. How do you explain to a child that his own blood washed his hands of him for no reason, nothing, not a one. How do you forgive wo people who are so set in their ways? They say they don’t want drama but they are the star of their own play. They sit their front and center dictating the way others need to be. All I wanted was for him to love me and all I got was that I was broken, they were sick of the garbage, they were tired of knowing me.
This is the world we all so desperately wanted. A world where we are driven by immediate gratification than actually keeping your heart filled from doing the right thing. There are some that are so over run with their desires to manipulate other people they will stop at nothing until they get their way. They will isolate those that they claim to love and draw out of them their own free will and right to express themselves in the way that they hunger for. My biggest fear is to watch others drive good people into the ground long before their time. Who takes away a persons ability to formulate their own thoughts right down to how they spend their free time and what they are going to have as their next meal. There are those that are not one of the Earth. They keep others away and their circle is filled with narcissists and other beings that are content in drawing the life out of other beings. To have your own heart ripped out and doused in gasoline then to have the one you fear set it on fire is enough for any decent being to lose their damn mind. I see bad people and they refuse to look me in the eye. I see through who you are trying to be. I have become the shadows that you use to try and hide. There is the truth and there is facts and there is what you want others to believe. Love is something that pours freely from your heart and wants nothing more for those you love to feel happiness deep inside. The love I have for my son is so deep that the only thought I have when it comes to others is that I hope they treat him right. He is a being, a live soul, an entity my son. All those who want to love him free of judgement will always be alright with me. It is those that keep throwing stones without even truly knowing who he is to become. Saying slanderous things about a three year old because of the parents you no longer know. The words being uttered out of some mouths is not even of value. What they say and how they acted speaks volumes for their eternal soul. The devious acts that have occurred in this life have been documented in the next. Stealing family traditions and values and even the tools that were used by my Grandfather’s hands. I don’t wish for them to haunt you because what I truly want is their eternal rest. I will try my best to live the good life. Even though the one who gave me such an opportunity wishes that I was better off dead.