There are lessons to be learned in our tragedy if only we could embrace the moment for all that it is. Although painful in the memories there is some joy too. I get to go back to a time where their lives mattered and bring them back to life.
I was the girl that was called to a party when the beer ran out or heaven forbid drugs. I worked my ass to have my bills paid and everybody knew it. Being homeless or falling behind on my rent was never an option. It was incredulous to me how many people were ok with that.
As a mother when do you think it is the most important time to feel accepted? Could it be when you are at a park with your son? Imagine your son light up at the sight of the park so you want him to play, I can’t remember the last time I saw him play with another child. I know I am different.
I miss good people. I miss being pregnant too but like the ways of passage everything seems to dissolve into nothing at least common decency was the first to go. It is hard for me to feel accepted in the land of sabre tooth smiles and shark bites. I only played the game out of fear of what would happen to me not because it was something I wanted to be or do.
In a world with such anonymity like everybody is playing a game it is hard to see who is genuine even worse who is a friend. At least he has found some peace now coming alive in our dreams. There is nobody there chasing him he has finally been set free.
What a mockery of life that it turned out to be. No heart. No heart, no mind. Let me sit here for another year feeling wasted and deprived. I am so confused on what my purpose could possibly be I don’t even know where to start.
My passion for my life gets skewed with the passion of others. I want others to live their best lives even if it is at my expense. Of course like a positively charged ion I react but I am getting better. There is nothing worth not reacting too if it ignites something deep within us.
If only it were that simple. A killer doesn’t turn to one over night like we all want to think. It is an erosion of the mind, a lack of acceptance that pushes hit them beyond the brink. Imagine in elementary school trying to make friends and like an outcast you just get laughed at and shunned. You are last picked for all the games and at lunch time you sit in the corner of the field eating your bread sandwich alone.
When you cast away someone you love after what somebody else has done you rob yourself of the life experience that some of us spend our whole lives searching for. I want to speak out because we can’t define ourselves by the way somebody else abused us.
I am sorry I came to you so fractured there are pieces of me long forgotten that I will never see. I used to love my Dad, maybe I still do, but he hates me. I tread in shallow water because of who I was then compared to who I grew into being. Gravitating towards love and light I was hoping to be free. The truth will set you free they say unless you are somebody like me.