Why do we distort the beauty of life? We insist on it. Our self righteous idea of entitlement is something that makes my soul grow cold. Think of all the ways we are content on hurting each other. We all do it. I have done it. Any time we put our basic human needs ahead of another we are guilty of over inflated ego’s. Imagine your darkest days surrounded with slivers of light of others human compassion. We are all capable of it. Extending a hand to help heal a hurt heart in only ways that we as humans can. Yes animals can provide similar comfort but for some of us we need to have the added comfort of carefully planned words.

I wonder what angers us to the point where we obsess with getting even maybe even committing the ultimate sin. How is it that when it comes to loving ourselves we put ourselves last on all our lists. I think about my Grandma and how she always stood. I get it now and I only have one kid. The animals in our care more than make up for the lack of having anymore. The effort it takes to sit down and relax is quickly thwarted by somebody in the house who needs attending too. Dogs that need to go out, a child who is growing bored, fighting cats and budgies who now lay eggs. In all the chaos I must be doing something right our 2nd pair of budgied starting layinv eggs. Knowing that they have lived their whole life not happy it is very reassuring and theurapetic for my heart to see them trying. So now I know why she rarely sat. In no time somebody would be calling and in the days of failing knees it is best not to use them much.

My life has slowed down dramatically and all my focus has been turned inwards. Not just on my well being but the well being of my family. The exhaustion that comes from such a hectic life is rewarded handsomely by the unconditional love that those in my care provide. Of course I have boundaries and set realistic limits but nothing drives me more than trying to make them all happy. I have even tried my luck at gardening. The seasons are tougher here with potential snowfalls in June. With the shorter grow season a lot of it has to be started in June (k all of it) which is hard to do with 9 cats but I still try. My heart fills with the idea of feeding my animals fresh fruit and veggies and my son freshly picked snow peas instead of the can of peas he loves. I want their lives to be filled with love and magic that only a heart filled with passion can give. It feels like my heart is still broken but at the same time full. Everything is where it should be and for now that is all I need to know. Some times my mind strays and tries to wander just a little bit. Like if some choices were made differently would it be possible to have this life with somebody else.? I know the answer to this question is simply no. There is no doubting reality and for obvious reasons tempting fate. Where I am is where I wanted to be made a little bit rougher with where we find ourselves sanding now. As a couple we didn’t get any time to know each other before we were rushed into a family. Ideally it is everything one would hope it to be and for the most part it is but that electricity is missing. And I think I know why that is.

I have spent a long time thinking about that physically charged energy that happens between two people that are so hopelessly in love. The fact is when you are in that state is very rare to et anything else done. Maybe after a bit the fights begin to start and the negative charge sets in. Nothing that good can last forever life wasn’t designed for something like that. Stability and unconditional love is something a family can be built on. I am not saying it is for everyone but when it comes to longevity this might be the secret to making it last. A common understanding of the expectations laid out. I think that was my hormonal misunderstanding when it was all said and done. I trust so much in the Universe that if I just be free and let it all go that good things will happen. What else can be the reason for all this even happening? That is what makes life beautiful the simplistic beauty that can be found in love. Nothing to mysterious or out there just something built on compassion and common sense. Love is found in all living things crossing almost every single species. We all crave it and desire it and will do almost anything for it. How simple it would all be if we saw each other in our own best image. Through our eyes of hurt and understanding but we can see for he most part we have experienced the same things. Nobody wants to be sad, feeling controlled or inconsolably depressed. We strive to be happy and comforted and loved. That is what makes the state of the World so harsh. Some of us have nobody but the cold keys of a keyboard. No wonder some of us our truly going crazy and beginning to lose their minds. Good people were already scarce now they are impossible to find. I haven’t been living truthfully. I mean 100% true to myself. I met my other half. The one who completes me and now I have no idea if he is one of this Earth. Looking back at it all unfolding I can see why it all happened the way it did. I wouldn’t have what I have now. I wouldn’t be who I become. Yes my heart longs but for a different reason. It feels like this has happened before. For some reason we weren’t made to be in this lifetime but I am hoping for next. That is why I have been determined to find some kind of answers to make it all make sense.