Nobody likes to get woken up in the wee hours in the morning. Nobody likes to get woken up to the words, “Move your fat ass” either. Especially somebody like me who has struggled with my weight and appearance most of my life. My first eating disorder was born at 13 when another admirer said the same words. Not exactly just called me heavy and added that I weighed a ton. It’s not so much the words that hurt me. It is hearing those words combined with my husband’s lack of intimacy that bother me more. Is he one of those ones that is suddenly unattractive to their wife because they are unable to get back to their pre pregnancy weight? Is 20 pounds over the weight he met me at inexcusable? What about his growing waistline and receding hairline? The words he spoke were said to hurt and hurt is exactly what they did.
Having our son was the biggest struggle of my life. I literally died giving birth to him. I know I was out of shape and out of tune with reality but going to the other side changed me in ways that are more demanding than tightening up my midsection. Yes I want to be healthy and happy but my mental min is what needs the most work and attending to and not countless hours in gyms that may not even open fighting off the strains off the newest disease to hit the mainstream. My goal has turned more to the life in front of me. ALL life. I am shying away from process foods because I don’t like the long list of chemicals they are packed with. I am trying to grow to be more sustainable but the set up in doing so takes time. Not to mention their are so many lives here that need daily attention. Not one of them can go a day without human touch.
So maybe exercising my mind is trivial and I don’t need to dive into the lives of others that have happened before I was ever born. What would prove to be more beneficial? Getting to a place where I can bench press my body weight or trying to understand the torturous life path that others were faced to endure? Is there more value in trying to understand why some would take the lives of others in their hands and crush them to dust in their palms? All these lives had promise and a glowing future until somebody else came along. Imagine that feeling. Losing all rights. Just imagine what it would feel like to have your family ripped away where all you could do was imagine if they were living or dead. If they died did they go quickly or are they suffering just like you. Starving with no nourishment. Being beaten just for breathing. Having the iron fist of torture reign down on you till you take your last breath choking on cyanide. This was the final last days for millions of human beings just like you and me. Yet we chose to honour their existence by spitting on their last days. That is what we do every time we refuse to look each other honestly. Authentically through no judgement just honest and caring child like eyes. That is who we allowed ourselves to grow up to be. Caring and almost soulless as we taunt those who know us with a life better left unsaid.
How can one go on knowing like they are best left for somebody else’s demise? I am scared of who I become in my existence when those who love me have cease to be living and have become very much dead. I speak of the older generation the one that seems to know where I am coming from. I get lost in my existence when I try to compete with those of my generation. I bleed for the hurt that they were forced to endure. Their time will soon be lost amongst us no more whispers to be heard. These events did happen and they will repeat again. Every time we dull or existence because of what another man has said. I know what my figure is I don’t need to be reminded. Especially at 1 in the morning when our son is just screaming. The anger I feel towards just one single human who smiles in his smugness like he is justified in what he said. You know what keeps me sane but is entirely insane? The dream of a life not chosen the one where I chose my true love. I can’t breathe when I think of the possibilities of maybe just getting to be. How I long for just a chance to even know if he was ok. I put up with it all because I know I have made a mistake. Now the universe I feel is taunting me with wrenching my heart in continuous pain. This life I have chosen is not for everyone and it sure ain’t easy. I just keep on hoping that maybe it is all for something and not the expected nothing.
I know the Universe is coy in it’s forgiving’s nd rarely gives us a fair shot. Tit for Tat Ying for Yang something always have to give. I don’t need to see what is out there I have always been content with the way that things have gone. Does it hurt? More than ever but I have been more than convinced. As long as we take what is given in stride and try not to resist too much then things come much easier, not as torturous and such. I know where my heart lies and it is waiting to burst. I am hoping that something good is coming I think I am deserving of that. There has to be a reason and I think I know. I am not sure. Let’s see how the year unfolds. I will leave my heart open and pure.