Imagine just imagine what it feels like to have even just a little bit of intimacy from your partner. I mean there is nothing that motivates this man to want to be with me. It is very discouraging and ultimately depressing realizing that for the rest of your life you will not now that feeling that takes over for a woman and a man. Coming to terms with that piece of information was easy. What happened before I became a mom never happened for all I am now is what I become. What I hate most about losing our baby is the begging for sex to try and make another. My heart isn’t ready to beg for a life that has slipped through our fingers. The maternal clock is ticking as I turn 42 this year. I thought I would be happily pregnant when I celebrated this new milestone but all I have is the scar from the first one to sing my tale. I drank whole bottle of wine to get my nerve up and all I got was, “You can’t approach me like that”. Like what? Isn’t the purpose to try and make a baby and even though the smell of smoke repulses me and the way you seem to ignore my needs is even worse. How did I find myself here and is it worth sticking it out for the long haul?
The reminder that I was unsuccessful at my attempt at carrying a child weighs very heavy on my heart. It is something I always wanted. I couldn’t imagine a life being an only child, being the only one. Life is always better when you have a side kick , a partner in crime, a best friend but maybe some things are best not knowing and more than likely better left unsaid. I have no idea why it feels like I am left out of the loop. My loop. My life loop. I always feel like I am drowning or left outside in the cold. Like a fly on the wall watching somebody else’s life unfold. There is nothing like feeling like your presence in the family is only about cleaning house and caring for the animals and nothing much more. When I imagined creating a life together it meant every aspect of one. I always wanted to have the sit down family dinner but something like that just doesn’t occur. It is almost like it doesn’t happen anymore no matter what it is we do. Family dinners don’t really happen and I don’t know why. I feel like we had monthly dinners where we went to another member of our families for dinner. It seemed somehow more involved.
I do feel alone here most of the time. Who wants to talk to me and if they did would I even find the time? There is so much going on in any given day so the most part it is almost impossible to feel lonely. It also doesn’t escape my mind that something as small as Daisy is the one thing I need to keep my heart full. Her little chirps and the way she dances on me with her feet. She reminds me there is more to life than serving a family there is also myself that I need to nurture and keep alive in spirit and growth. It does get hard when reflected back onto you is all your insecurities. There is no escaping the fear that comes when those in your life are content in beating you to death with your own fears. I know what I hate about myself and you do too. Why do you have to use it against me like you just found out how to use the ultimate tool. Behaviour like this just turns me off and pushes me far off farther to the side. I still want to be a family but at times I think the cost is getting too high. The longer we stay and try to make it work the braver he gets in his dislike for me and the worse I feel. Today he called me pathetic as he demanded me to do something and the only thing I could do was cry. I cry a lot. Usually in the shower or when everybody else is asleep but the tidal wave of emotions can only be kept at bay for so long.
Ultimately we all die alone but none of us actually want to be. I think a lot about if I get older and who will come visit me. I think about all those have decided they didn’t want any kids. For selfish reasons of travel and wealth and whatever else they think being childless will bring. What happens to you when you are 60 and maybe in failing health. If you have no children, no siblings who will come and check on you to see if you are ok? When you get locked up in a home and they throw away the key is somebody still thinking about you or do you just find a way to exist alone, to just be. If life is no longer perfect what is the best we can hope for? Do we know what we should be looking for or have we strayed too far off course. All these things that we have decided we would rather be. Maybe somebody famous but never a family. Kids can be a burden and sometimes get in the way. Just look at Kim K who opted to have her babies carried by a surrogate. Some say it was vanity and her family say it was for her health. Then there are people like me that no it is too risky to carry but we still want to find a way. I wish it was easier and my husband was nicer to me. Funny isn’t it? I say he reminded me of my Dad and the similarities never seem to stop. As long as the house is kept clean he might not find something degrading to say. If I have learned anything from now he will always find a way.