My family is back to sleep after another restless night. I can’t help but feel empty. What was once inside me is now gone. I have to cry. I am too tired to get up but if I try to distract my mind it becomes worse. All I see is beautiful moms to be or babies just born to this world and what I have is empty. These days feel harder as I am constantly stretched to my limit. Lack of intimacy, trust, compassion has me running crazy in my own mind. Now that it has happened I can’t imagine carrying a new life into being. In these moments of silence I feel broken beyond repair.
Since the day you first left me at 13 I have been searching for you. I felt disgusted by my actions. I hated everything I have become. There are no words that come to mind that will ease my pain and have it dissipate away. Words mean nothing to me anymore. Everybody says what they want to say have you conform to their own way. My dad promised to love me if I killed my baby. He promised. He made it seem like he would kick me out if I tried to keep it. I did what you wanted and now what? You hate me anyways? I killed for you. I ripped my own heart out and became a verbal punching bag to many. For so long I was valued at nothing. Not even the gutter would take me.
I miss all my babies and I am so thankful for my only one. He has become my reason for living my everything. So many people read into my words and think I am suicidal and may even have a death wish. I don’t though. Just sad sometimes of how it all planned out. That’s why I have to believe in angels. I don’t want to think of where they may have gone. I can’t think of anything else. My dad used to say faith is only for the weak. There is no life after death. I believe of course there is no life after but I do believe our spirit is meant to carry on. We have to. There has to be something. With nothing there would be anarchy and complete chaos around every turn. We are all controlled by an imagery force that tries to keep us doing right instead of wrong. We all have a choice. Some of us are just incapable of making the wrong ones.
I think a lot of our world problems can be explained away by our advances in modern medicine. We were never meant to defy death or prolong the inevitable. We can’t over populate this Earth and rape her of her resources and expect her to remain stagnate. She is living and breathing but not in the convential ways we have become accustomed too. We as humans are made up of mostly water as is she. What happens when we pollute our bodies with noxious substances? Cancer? Disease? Death? That is our bodies way of saying slow down live differently you are creating an irreversable mess. All Earth can do is create a new weapon to try and protect herself and in the event of failure she can fall back into a rage instead. Hurricanes, volcanic erruptions, tsunnami’s, flood, fires. Never underestimate the power of a mistress scorned even the ones we can not see.
It is in that simplicity in knowing that I am in fact part of a bigger picture. We all are. For no reason we find ourselves living at the same time bound by our place in eternity. This moment will soon be forgotten with nobody left to bring it back to life. That is so powerful in itself to think about. Life as you know it will never be the same. We chose how we want to live it and hope we have chosen the best way. Knowing that we can’t control the actions of others we work on ourselves instead. Maybe it’s my voice that is just a lil too high pitch. If I talk in a whisper will my words reach the ears of somebody that I love? Hope fills the darkest corners with light helping us to see. Without it we live oblivious kept in the dark where noone can see. Nobody else to see me and nobody will come and find the pieces of my broken heart left in a heaping pile. It isn’t always this way just some days hurt more than others. The days that rest evades me and the lack of presence of others.
How does one avoid the pain or guard yourself from the potential impact of getting hurt? There is no way to prevebt the inevitable or try to ignore what is destined to come. The point of life is in the experience. You never truly know people for who they really are. There maybe hopes or desires of who you wish somebody would be but the only outcome you have total control of is you. Sure other people or circumstances will try to manipulate the outcome but a true, solid understanding of self is the best armour you can ever wear. Tears will fall as the opinions of others try to wear you down and wash you away. Some days I feel like nothing as I am told what I am feeling is pathetic. I don’t want anybody to hear me anymore I am tired of crying. Sometimes I think what life could have been like if I didn’t have to suffer so much. Would the loss of my baby hurt this much? If I had a husband who loved me would I be this broken and sad. All I ever wanted was to hold my daughter that was taken from me all these years ago. I miss you my angel I mourn for what could have been.