Alive Outside Broken Within

My family is back to sleep after another restless night. I can’t help but feel empty. What was once inside me is now gone. I have to cry. I am too tired to get up but if I try to distract my mind it becomes worse. All I see is beautiful moms to be or babies just born to this world and what I have is empty. These days feel harder as I am constantly stretched to my limit. Lack of intimacy, trust, compassion has me running crazy in my own mind. Now that it has happened I can’t imagine carrying a new life into being. In these moments of silence I feel broken beyond repair.

Since the day you first left me at 13 I have been searching for you. I felt disgusted by my actions. I hated everything I have become. There are no words that come to mind that will ease my pain and have it dissipate away. Words mean nothing to me anymore. Everybody says what they want to say have you conform to their own way. My dad promised to love me if I killed my baby. He promised. He made it seem like he would kick me out if I tried to keep it. I did what you wanted and now what? You hate me anyways? I killed for you. I ripped my own heart out and became a verbal punching bag to many. For so long I was valued at nothing. Not even the gutter would take me.

I miss all my babies and I am so thankful for my only one. He has become my reason for living my everything. So many people read into my words and think I am suicidal and may even have a death wish. I don’t though. Just sad sometimes of how it all planned out. That’s why I have to believe in angels. I don’t want to think of where they may have gone. I can’t think of anything else. My dad used to say faith is only for the weak. There is no life after death. I believe of course there is no life after but I do believe our spirit is meant to carry on. We have to. There has to be something. With nothing there would be anarchy and complete chaos around every turn. We are all controlled by an imagery force that tries to keep us doing right instead of wrong. We all have a choice. Some of us are just incapable of making the wrong ones.

I think a lot of our world problems can be explained away by our advances in modern medicine. We were never meant to defy death or prolong the inevitable. We can’t over populate this Earth and rape her of her resources and expect her to remain stagnate. She is living and breathing but not in the convential ways we have become accustomed too. We as humans are made up of mostly water as is she. What happens when we pollute our bodies with noxious substances? Cancer? Disease? Death? That is our bodies way of saying slow down live differently you are creating an irreversable mess. All Earth can do is create a new weapon to try and protect herself and in the event of failure she can fall back into a rage instead. Hurricanes, volcanic erruptions, tsunnami’s, flood, fires. Never underestimate the power of a mistress scorned even the ones we can not see.

It is in that simplicity in knowing that I am in fact part of a bigger picture. We all are. For no reason we find ourselves living at the same time bound by our place in eternity. This moment will soon be forgotten with nobody left to bring it back to life. That is so powerful in itself to think about. Life as you know it will never be the same. We chose how we want to live it and hope we have chosen the best way. Knowing that we can’t control the actions of others we work on ourselves instead. Maybe it’s my voice that is just a lil too high pitch. If I talk in a whisper will my words reach the ears of somebody that I love? Hope fills the darkest corners with light helping us to see. Without it we live oblivious kept in the dark where noone can see. Nobody else to see me and nobody will come and find the pieces of my broken heart left in a heaping pile. It isn’t always this way just some days hurt more than others. The days that rest evades me and the lack of presence of others.

How does one avoid the pain or guard yourself from the potential impact of getting hurt? There is no way to prevebt the inevitable or try to ignore what is destined to come. The point of life is in the experience. You never truly know people for who they really are. There maybe hopes or desires of who you wish somebody would be but the only outcome you have total control of is you. Sure other people or circumstances will try to manipulate the outcome but a true, solid understanding of self is the best armour you can ever wear. Tears will fall as the opinions of others try to wear you down and wash you away. Some days I feel like nothing as I am told what I am feeling is pathetic. I don’t want anybody to hear me anymore I am tired of crying. Sometimes I think what life could have been like if I didn’t have to suffer so much. Would the loss of my baby hurt this much? If I had a husband who loved me would I be this broken and sad. All I ever wanted was to hold my daughter that was taken from me all these years ago. I miss you my angel I mourn for what could have been.

One Comment Add yours

  1. First off Ruby, I wish there was something which I could say here, this is Heart breaking to read, let alone having to go through it at that age, especially after what happened to you, but there is nothing which I can say except how sorry I am for you that you ended up on a false Promise and did has commanded. There is no Judgement against you Ruby, not in this case, but the Pain you must be going through I can not even begin to compare.

    Angels exist, of course they do, and I will have to seriously disagree with your dad on this. Faith is not for the weak, case in Point, you, case in point, me, very much me. My Faith is unshakeable and Unbreakable, no matter what happens. And yet, I am Strong in Mind, Body (well for the most part) and Soul. So never give up believing that there is something else, something Other, something Supernatural. 5 Billion people of various Faiths and Paths can not be wrong, but one man can. Your babies are in Spirit, their Souls are Pure, shining Bright, look to the stars, We use to believe that they were the Spirits of the Pure who have passed, it is a nice idea methinks Ruby. You will see them again, in the Fullness of Time.

    Totally agree with you with regards to Others and their need to try and control, first hand, and the Only one we can fully control is ourselves, and learning to Live, and Love ourselves is key, Understanding our Strengths and Weaknesses, Our Virtues and our Failings. Forgive ourselves for what we may have done, but Never Forget it. And no, a Loving, Caring, Considerate, Respectful Partner may help in easing the Pain, the Loss, to be able to cope better with what happened, but even though the will Never understand, at least they will give you some comfort when you need it most, in those dark days when the Pain is at its worse. But I am guessing here, because I have Never that that back up, so I think that it can only help, even a little, knowing that Someone gives a damn about you.

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