The Passion is for Me

Have you ever tried to live your life with so much passion rammed up against somebody who clearly doesn’t see you or frankly doesn’t give a damn? That is how I feel at any given moment. Tiptoeing on egg shells trying to get away from it all out of fear of retaliation. And by retaliation I mean be made to feel what you care about so deeply is trivial almost like you are wasting their time and in turn yours. My nerves are on edge but they almost feel like they are on fire. In a sense I feel like I am getting somewhere and life is beginning to make sense. When I need a little guidance and direction of where to go next I feel the nudge of where to go if I just listen deeply to what makes sense. Maybe this time and space alone to focus on just me is giving me an opportunity to focus on me without the distraction of the opposite sex. Like being put on ice till the right moment in time does occur. I feel surreally lost in a time warp forever taken by time. Sometimes it is hard to know what is real and if it even makes sense. As soon as a dare to dream again about something new my reality comes crashing down around my newly purchased shoes. Two words colliding together into one messed up pile of debris. There is a lot to be thankful for but it maybe harder to please the little girl in me.

As a housewife we wish things to be perfect or at least easy at the very least to keep the man of the house happy. No matter how hard I try I will always be destined to fail him. Some days I just can’t even listen to what he has to say. Others I am entertained by his candor like I can’t believe how brave he is and one day I am going to for surely snap. There are so many things that I can narrow down to why this has become a little bit of a disaster her right on Earth. Let’s talk about how his first lie right off the hop is he wants to quit smoking. I smoked for years but now I hate it. The smell, the appearance, the everything is so unappealing. Why would you lie about something you have no desire of stopping. Your whole family smokes. I just can’t even go there. So being easily irritated already because that is a daily lie and a slap in the face I always think how is this even possible than my son comes screaming in. My son deserves a fighting chance at a family. He loves us both probably not equally but how is one truly to know. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like for him not having his father around. These years are the most pivotal I feel but we have to be careful at what cost. How many smokes does one guy need? I tell him it is like taking a break from reality because you are always outside smoking. I now know what all the non smokers in the service industry felt like but this is family and not work, they are never to mingle.

So I snapped tonight because eh, I think it was inevitable. Imagine watching your husband asleep at 7 pm as you try to feed all the critters, get the toddler off to bed, tuck in the greenhouse, get a drink, to have him ask for me to bring Schmoo toys, to then having to stop the dogs from barking (outside I may add) then to have him ask me what is taking me so long. How about a little bit of help would be appreciated? Leaving a mess, blaming our son and taking secret scooter rides off into the sunset as you lie about checking the mail or going for another cigarette. I feel trapped but in some senses I feel released. Imagine having no expectations other than a little bit of ridicule. Is it worth it? Right now I suppose it is. We are getting ready for a potential 4 month shut down so where am I going really?

What would you do on the day to day to stop yourself from feeling absolutely bonkers and like you have totally gone crazy? Live in a story like existence where you enjoy what it is you are doing at least for in that moment and try to steal a little bit of happiness along the way. Am I right? I could always look downwards but I don’t prefer that direction so why not make it fun along the way. Reading is my therapy and opening my eyes to the possibilities of what it could feel like if I just let the unnecessary things go and just be free. So many souls would love just the opportunity to have a family or pets or a garden with the possibility of growing and consuming something grown by hand. When you fully start to appreciate your surroundings, and that includes all the trolls underneath the bridge, than you can take a look at your existence from within. Ask yourself the hard questions like am I on the right path or should I switch directions? As I ask myself these probing questions my husband locks himself in the bathroom for another shit and a cigarette s his dog begins to bark and my son wonders where Daddy is. Such a fun game we play as a family and it is somehow all my fault. Everything that happens in this household somehow falls back onto me. I just keep hoping for a miracle that maybe one day things can change. How is sleep the be all end all and all you want out of life? That is the only time I find some peace to what it is I hope to get accomplished. Don’t we have to have personal goals to know where it is we need to go. Some guidance and direction so we know we aren’t alone. I think where he gets confused is I don’t keep the house clean for him it is for me. The same goes for the way I decide to look or the fact I want to eat healthy or exercise it is all for me. I just have to regard him as that pesky annoying fly on the wall. The one who can care less if I do anything at all.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Yes Ruby, I have lived that life, but now almost through with it. But the Child within, well they will want more out of a relationship and life. Living on a knife edge is no way to live Ruby, take it from one who knows. But in total honesty here, It is me who smokes, just to get away from the abuse, it is me who goes out to do shopping, get meds, or sort things out, or goes to work, But it was me who, like you, on the receiving end of the abuse. Not Her, she never did anything at all, except complain about everything I did or do, but never help, even now, it is me who is running ragged to try to sort things out when she moves on Monday.

    Sometimes we walk away, or we really snap, sometimes we just have to listen in fascination at what they are actually saying, really unable to really believe what they have just said. I will finish up in a bit with this post Ruby, Duty calls lol

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  2. Your son does deserve to have both Parents around at that age, I know this Ruby, neither wanted me until I was five, I was in care in East London from 2 -5, so yes at his age he needs both around, so long as his Father teaches him the right way of doing things, same as you will, otherwise it may make your son worse. Once he starts school, give him a few years in school, then maybe think about things differently, I know what it is like staying with someone, because you take your vowels seriously, but for a few years, he needs both of you there. And yes, it is worth it Ruby, for your son. Even with the 4 month lockdown coming your way.

    Day to day to stop me going crazy, go for a walk away from her, plug in my earphones and blast my Rock and Roll so I can not hear her, but with you, things are different, others need you, not including your little one, so my advice is just do things which make you happy, do not worry about him, not until he starts to worry about you, but always with Respect Ruby, But do what makes you happy, even if it drives him crazy, You need it.

    Always listen to the little voice, the nudge from within about Direction, You call them Angels, I call them Gods or Great Spirits, but it is the Universe guiding you to become what you need to become, to learn what you need to learn, so when something different, or better comes along, it feels like summer rain or a warm breeze to you, and you know that you have earned this happiness.

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