Life is very unforgiving in nature and it us up to us in how we want to experience it. I can remember thinking as a little girl all I cared about was making my father happy and look where that has got me. Countless of failed relationships where I would give and give and give and it was like even spending lavishly never phased them. I will never forget back in 2006ish during Christmas. My then boyfriend (soon to be ex) got me a variety of dollar store gifts and had thrown them in a box. Sure it is the thought that counts but tell me how am I supposed to use some broken ass watch in the gym? When I care about you I care about you and I would spare no experience showing you that. I knew he had an old set of golf clubs that he would carry around on weekends. I got him a new Ogio golf bag and a gift certificate for a set of clubs. We didn’t break about because of the dollar store gifts. We broke up because we had a huge fight after my Grandmother died instead of showing some compassion he decided to get mean. Is there a theme here could it possibly be me? Maybe but iz always had this over inflated sense of entitlement. Why would I settle for mediocre when I could settle for something great? Enter mediocre.
The people who get under my skin are the ones who will say anything just to be mean. They like to poke, poke, poke, poke until you finally explode and they win. You can tell by their style and their demeanour that their goal for the day is to make you feel insecure and to somehow alter your seemingly perfect day. Except for the days aren’t perfect are they? It feels like a lifetime has gone by since they have been. There are times when my heart is bursting with so much happiness I can’t contain the love pouring out of me. As quickly as those days come I am grounded down back to reality more confused than ever on who it is I am to become. The journey to self is hard, made almost impossible by all the outside noise. I have been called fat, an unfit mother, pathetic, crazy, all while he wags his fingers and bobbles his head. I stay silent because how do you respond. Each insult is like a jab to my heart that will one day be forever knocked out. “What nothing to say?” No, nothing. I know need some sort of mental guidance and intervention and that is why I have doctors for that. I have been very honest in my medications and behaviours brought on by traumatic experiences sprinkled throughout my life. The latest one I am being medicated for is the experience of lying dead on a hospital bed while they waited to save my son. That is what I am being medicated for. That is what is making me “crazy” the white matter that now shows up on my CT scans might have something to do with it. Or maybe just maybe it might have to do with the fear of knowing that I am going to do the wrong things. Some days are harder than others so it does take me a little longer to get to things. Especially after a day spent listening to all the ways I have failed as a mother and a wife and did I really just hear you tell our son I hated him? I am not evil or vindictive like you.
I have made a lot of mistakes in the last 4 years but the biggest one was giving up on a career that I love and allow myself to rely financially on you. We are night and day different and it has worn me down trying to explain to you why I want healthy food and why I want some time to exercise even if it is only just for 15 minuets a few days a week. I have to sneak it all in when they are not looking, literally. The only free time I have is when they are asleep or when they have gone out. I don’t mind my son’s companies but these days his temper is flaring and I often questioned if it was from watching his parents interact with each other. I mentioned that to my husband so that was the center of our newest fight My lack of communication and willingness to participate in one. I have tried telling him that years of this treatment just ate away at me and I had warned him in the past what the end result was going to be. That is why I focus on the things he can’t take away from me. Like my bond with Daisy. He will never understand the joy I feel holding her in my hands or the noise she makes when I rub my noise against her beak taking in her warmth. What I love of about birds is they only sing when they are happy and mine sing for almost every waking moment they are alive. More to all that they only lay eggs when they are happy and safe and I can’t believe the remaining budgies that were disposed because they weren’t breeding have all begun laying eggs. The final pair of what has to be seniors are laying and hopefully hatching there very first egg. They aren’t as polished as my yellow budgies but I am excited for the possibilities. The mother is my Bella all beautiful in white and blue and her Beast is kind of rough around the edges and green. My hope is that it is a boy that will take to Daisy but I am a firm believer that everybody in life deserves a chance to find a mate. I have friends that hate the fact that I am so willing to let these animals reproduce but when a species does it for love how do you begin to intervene? Our misgivings as humans is our unforgiving nature to demand that all life conforms to how we see it and nothing else.