Outside Face

I am sitting here in silence. Well almost in silence. As much silence as I am allowed. As I write this the pup is going ballistic because his collar is being charged.  Yes life is bliss. Or is it? For me at this stage in the game if I had balls they would have fallen off from lack of circulation from being kicked so much. The pain is just this numbing constant that now has turned to Teflon and just begins to roll off me.  The feeling that I have to bare the weight of every time his dog barks and wakes him up because it is my fault in some sort of way. No more walks or attention that way. Just an oversized dog trying to find his place in the world. I wish there was some sort of fire under him that motivates him to do something. I understand working hard but does that also give you the right to be so rude. Even my son knows that I have to clean Daddy’s house. He helps as much as a toddler can.  One thing he is good for is trying everything i cook and bring to the table. No excuses just a raw opinion. I love it. No lies or games of pretending to have some. Trust me my fat ass knows how much of it I am throwing back.

Listening to the animal fountain is somewhat tranquil and I can’t wait to play my violin after if timing aligns and permits. The bread has another hour to rise and my tomatoes need to be planted in bigger containers. I just felt the need to add that in too. And my weekly exercises so far I am feeling pretty determined and loving that aspect too. Growing my own veggies and teaching my son all I can it is very empowering to see what I can do. I know there is a lot of doubt and sure there seems to be a lot of haters and because of them I have been casting the biggest shadow over me. When you feel like there are some out there that curse your very existence it gets just a wee bit hard. I never saw myself as being any other way than the broken little girl that others loved to take advantage of. In fact I still struggle every day with confidence. Maybe it is a feeling of being pretentious but if I fail to love who I am in the mirror how much of my life am I really holding back. Thinking of pivotal moments throughout my life I can see that what I once regarded as torture was actually the Universe stepping in and saving me because the life I wanted so badly would have ended up killing me in the end.  Laugh if you may but I am witness to what is happening one by one they are being picked off and if I was still with them who knows were I would have fallen in that line up  of being. Not to mention they always had something negative to say about who I presented myself to the world almost like keeping me under lock and key. It is true what they say though nobody wants you around more than those you don’t want to be around. Cheers to that if you know what I mean.

Some say my life is interesting but I am just trying to make it worth it because we only have one kick at the can. Where others had dreams and wishes that were never brought into fruition don’t we owe it to them and ourselves to give it our best shot? Come hell or hot water don’t be scared to throw yourself out there I know somebody who will catch you and that person is me. Be honest with me and you have a friend for life. Come honest with yourself and you just may save your life. There is no bigger regret in life than being forced to think of all those things you wanted and never received. Where you should have veered left but you did an about turn. if you don’t like what you have been given in life change it. Try to change it. Ask for help. Look at how close to my vision board my life has gotten in only a period of 4 years. I am still mystified to think how it all happened and how quickly too.  One day we were watching the secret, than next day wedding bells and babies. All in an intimate, tranquil setting. Nobody would have thought that this bachelorette was every going to be a family gal and now look at me I am living the dream. From getting laughed at and having others tell friends I was to poor to be invited, who would have guessed I would be living my Pin-Up dream. Well until all this craziness happened and the whole world shut down I totally got side tracked  from who I was born to be. I do dress for myself and Pin-Up was a part of that and what happened is I was growing stagnant. With no in person contests to gauge on my experience I was coming less enchanted and enthralled. Than my serious of misfortunate events threatened my internal peace and inner psyche.  No matter what I was trying to do and the energy I was putting out there I was getting just curb stomped left and right. I tried to maintain some sort of composure and present a more polished attitude to the world. I think it was that book about intellectual IQ and how you present yourself. I know I am quick to react and I won’t say over because I think I react accordingly. What is good for one is not necessary good for the crew and I have long became comfortable with standing out.  I want to focus on me and the face I put out to the world isn’t that how more of should be?

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